Down with Post Numbers

Seriously, I barely use the blog as it is and I'm tired of opening the extra menu to determine where I'm at.

So the CAT scan revealed something but nothing, and thus I was sent to get a colonoscopy which in turn revealed nothing and now I'm going to get an upper endoscopy later this week.

The day after I go to court for being unable to stop in time for the late school bus late.

Which is apparently the day after I'm going out with my ex-girlfriend as "just friends."

Why did she even agree to do that?

Still feel sick, but at least a bit better. The bad news of course, is that the energy I'm getting back is just energy I'm wasting in trying to figure out what the heck is going on with the ex and the things she says, so maybe I should just go back to being sick.

I don't know. I toyed with the idea of bailing on it, but I guess it can't really hurt.

#281 - Alone

I just emailed Nicky. You few readers that are mostly me may recall Nicky as my first girlfriend ever, the first person I ever kissed, loved, made love to, all that sort of thing. I don't know what it is about breaking up with someone that always reminds me of her. I suspect it has something to do with the nature of the breakup and how hard I took it.

Is it possible that despite it being a common societal occurence that in some way it could have been considered traumatic?

I remarked something in the message that seems to pop up in my head alot, something to the effect of 'spending the last however many years chasing what we had for the first year we were together, and always ending up disappointed.'

So I'm left wondering after all this time -- is this the defining moment of my life? Is this one of those things that even on my deathbed, I'm going to stop and think "you know, if I had just handled that whole scenario better, how much better could my life have been?"

And if that is the case, how do I overcome it? How do I break the cycle of being the one left alone to cry, never understanding what I did or why I'm only likeable enough to be around for a bit before I'm just irritating or not interesting enough or whatever?

I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm tired of being alone. Am I really still recovering from the loss of a relationship that ended like six years ago? Seriously? Is that why I still compare everyone I date to her, or is it just because I don't have enough experience in the dating realm to really compare relationships to anything else.

Maybe I do need to do this more often.

#280 - Why Me

So the woman I've been seeing for two months is moving away.

I'm miserable. I really liked this one, I really wanted this to work. I really felt like I had met someone who could understand me and someone I could understand.

And the worst part is? So far I've been right, but she's probably going to move and I'm going to be stuck [i]alone[/i] [b]again[/b].

Frustrated. Toying with going with her or asking her to move in with me. Probably a bad idea.

Edit - Of course there's an ex boyfriend she left, of course they were together for nine years, and of course the odds of me getting her to stay are probably about zero. Ah well.

#279 - It's a Start.

I seem to vaguely recall using this.

Like a lot of things that went the way of after "she who shall no longer be named" left, this blog has known silence for the better part of the past few years, with no hope of its revival in sight.

There were several reasons for this, some of which preclude the Female Fiasco -- in particular, I can recall often treasuring my relative anonymity when I first began using this only to find more and more people I knew were reading it, and having their eyes possibly gazing upon it left me feeling rather restricted. The Blog had originally started way back during the AOL Roleplaying days and was a link I often exchanged with others in the group, and was never fully intended to be visible by people in "real life."

It's important to note that this all sort of took place before the advent of simpler forms of social networking (namely MySpace), and so without fully realizing how much I'd miss it, I began passing the link around to my more internet savvy friends, thinking it a good way to keep in touch and then only finding it choking me later.

The internet savvy friend who managed to get me to drag this site back up the other day likely doesn't recall, but originally this site didn't have the "x2" in its name -- back then, I simply used wastedthought and deleted it after transferring all my entries to x2 (which likely explains the descrepancy between the number of posts on my titles and the number of literal posts, but then again, perhaps I simply cannot count).

There's also that sort of insatiable whining that I tend to do when musing about things that I thought must have been horribly annoying to read about, and the fact that there's rarely anything of value going on in my life worth discussing.

But looking back on it now, several years later, the value of the things I wrote about before is likely non-existent or at the very least questionable, and I'm left wondering if maybe I'm missing out on a place to type just simply to type, and that like everything else in life I may be devoting entirely too much thought on the subject.

To be fair, who really knows. But the damned thing is here and it probably wouldn't hurt to use it once in awhile, so lets see where it goes.

#278 - I'm Not Dead, But I Wished I Was

There's about no chance I'll start using this again I suppose, but I feel like when I look at that I need to push the last post down off the page some, so I suppose I'll type a little bit here on the offchance that I view it again.

After that post was a pretty hellish time for quite awhile, and though I've yet to do anything in the romance department besides a few month stint and a vacation with a girl I knew from the internet, I at least feel like I've gotten over it and moved on, which is good. It was only recently that I deleted a bunch of the emails that I had and erased her number from my phone. It was actually a little bit liberating in a way, though sad in the same. I still use a few things she gave me from time to time which is awkward, and I have a few things in my closet somewhere that she made that I've yet to find the heart to throw out despite having no use for them.

There's really nothing else to talk about. You'd think after a few years there would be, but I think in a lot of ways I've outgrown my blogging phase -- my Livejournal sits almost completely unattended excluding reading the friends page, and I rarely post blurbs on MySpace or Facebook. Part of that might be the lack of anonymity that this actually provides. It's sort of ironic, I lost interest in Blogger because I felt like I had passed the link out to too many people and didn't feel comfortable saying the things that I want to, only to find without people reading and commenting that I didn't feel a reason to blog anything.

I don't know. These are the times I wish I had someone else, so I wouldn't be on the internet so much. Not that its a bad place, I guess.

Oh well, no use bitching about it.