#277 - Per Request

With everything that has transpired in the past months, I've barely noticed my neglected and mostly private corner of the world. Truth be told, I'm not sure I care to notice it even now, but maybe it's about time I try to assemble letters in patterns that form words to cement my thoughts to a world created and maintained by tiny pieces of data.

Nicky was cheating on me.

And that's basically all that's happened since the last time I blogged. It's been roughly a month and a half since we broke up, and I'm only just now starting to pick up the pieces again. In the spirit of honesty (which was the whole point of me moving this blog's URL in the first place; so I could regain some assemblance of anonymity), I may as well just spout out things, even though I'm sure it will only serve to make me feel depressed upon rereading them later.

But I can't lie, and the truth is that I very nearly took my own life over several occasions. It's not something so simple as not being able to move on or simply being hurt at her betrayal of my trust, but so much more than that. I was happy with Nicky, but I was not happy in general -- and Nicky leaving me was a breaking point that I very nearly crumbled under. I dare say I still may if something else goes wrong; to say otherwise would be a lie in and of itself.

Things being the way they are though, I'm somewhat amazed at what has transpired. The two of us seem closer in many ways, and she's finally starting to say things to me that she should either have said long ago or reinforced instead of simply letting them fall to the wayside. Before going on, it's important to point out that for the most part, I take the blame for her unhappiness and am in no way intending to give the impression that this is entirely Nicky's fault.

Happy people don't cheat.

Knowing that, I've tried very hard not to think about the situation; to distract myself while I heal. It may be more painful being her friend than simply being dumped, and I can't say I don't want to run away fleeing into the emptiness to anywhere but here. But at the same time, I'm beginning to see the proverbial 'light' in some ways -- when Nicky says that my mood swings really killed her feelings for me, it was a wake up call.

There's a lack of control and substance in my life that cannot be rejuvenated simply by being around someone I love. I suppose, growing up, that all the games and RPGs have taught me that love should overcome all boundaries and make you step outside yourself. It did, but I found that I could not step far enough. I guess having gone so long alone that I assumed everything was going to be better, and for awhile it was. But it didn't change the fact that I was still missing things in life that people my age should have or be working towards.

I don't even know what those things are still, but I have to do something. The fact remains that I will give up hope completely if I don't find a way out of the rut I'm in and make a change. I don't know where to go and how to begin, and evenmoreso I had hoped that I would not have to do it alone.

Something must be done though. I need a job, or a career. I don't want to be what I am anymore, but I don't know where to go and what to do to change it.

In the meantime, Suikoden IV comes out soon. That should help ease things a little bit, and as my brain starts to free itself up from the mire, hopefully I can start working towards something.