To Whom Mine Heart Beats For

I want to believe that you will be back.  I doubt you're reading this, which is probably a good thing.  At the moment, the two of us being apart is probably what is best for us.  Still, I feel like I understand what you're going through, and I feel like I understand why you made the decision you made.  I wish I could be there for you now, when I think you need someone to be there the most.

Deep down, I'm hoping -- sincerely hoping -- that the reason this isn't working is because you're still stuck where you are.  I want to believe that you still love me and that the stress has just become too much and its buried beneath.  I want to believe this for a few reasons:  mainly, I want to believe this because you loved me so much.  You were always the one that pushed me; you were always the one that said "your head is doing this to you because you're giving it too much power.  Beneath it, you love me.  I can tell.  And when you stop giving it so much free reign and let yourself be happy, this is going to work for you."  You sent me cards, you sent me gifts.  You told me things you didn't tell others; I told you the same.

I wish I could tell you the same thing.  I wish I hadn't been so shocked by everything and I could have encouraged you better.  I wish I could have stopped you from doing this, even if its the right thing.  I wish I could say the same thing to you that you said to me, because I think it applies.  I think you still love me.  I think you still want this, and it just feels so far away that you want to give up. I think when you say you have too many issues to fix and you can't focus enough to finish any of them that you're telling the truth.

I think when you sit down and actually fix them, it's going to be okay.  I want to believe that.  I want to believe that you'll message me and say hello, and we'll keep in touch, and soon enough you'll be free to live the life you deserve -- the one you showed me.  That person was shining radiantly in everything despite all the problems looming on her horizon.  She is beautiful in every conceivable way, and just by being near, makes me a better person.  That person is the real you, and when you're finally able to shed the things holding you down, it will come back.  I want to be there when it does, because you bring out the best in me, and the two of us together make a song no one else hears but everyone can understand.

Maybe you won't, and maybe I'm destined to move on.  Time will tell.  But hopefully time will tell me the story I want, because I deserve the happy ending this time.  And so do you.  I love you.  Be strong, and be quick, because I don't think you should have your life on hold any longer than it already has been.  You can do this.  I believed in a lot of things this last year; of all of them, I believe in you the most still.

(And don't hate me on the offchance you remember this blog and do read this.  I have so much I still want to say to you and can't, and this is how I choose to deal.  No one really reads this, and no one will know who you are anyway.  I'm allowed to hope.)