#281 - Alone
I just emailed Nicky. You few readers that are mostly me may recall Nicky as my first girlfriend ever, the first person I ever kissed, loved, made love to, all that sort of thing. I don't know what it is about breaking up with someone that always reminds me of her. I suspect it has something to do with the nature of the breakup and how hard I took it.
Is it possible that despite it being a common societal occurence that in some way it could have been considered traumatic?
I remarked something in the message that seems to pop up in my head alot, something to the effect of 'spending the last however many years chasing what we had for the first year we were together, and always ending up disappointed.'
So I'm left wondering after all this time -- is this the defining moment of my life? Is this one of those things that even on my deathbed, I'm going to stop and think "you know, if I had just handled that whole scenario better, how much better could my life have been?"
And if that is the case, how do I overcome it? How do I break the cycle of being the one left alone to cry, never understanding what I did or why I'm only likeable enough to be around for a bit before I'm just irritating or not interesting enough or whatever?
I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm tired of being alone. Am I really still recovering from the loss of a relationship that ended like six years ago? Seriously? Is that why I still compare everyone I date to her, or is it just because I don't have enough experience in the dating realm to really compare relationships to anything else.
Maybe I do need to do this more often.
Is it possible that despite it being a common societal occurence that in some way it could have been considered traumatic?
I remarked something in the message that seems to pop up in my head alot, something to the effect of 'spending the last however many years chasing what we had for the first year we were together, and always ending up disappointed.'
So I'm left wondering after all this time -- is this the defining moment of my life? Is this one of those things that even on my deathbed, I'm going to stop and think "you know, if I had just handled that whole scenario better, how much better could my life have been?"
And if that is the case, how do I overcome it? How do I break the cycle of being the one left alone to cry, never understanding what I did or why I'm only likeable enough to be around for a bit before I'm just irritating or not interesting enough or whatever?
I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm tired of being alone. Am I really still recovering from the loss of a relationship that ended like six years ago? Seriously? Is that why I still compare everyone I date to her, or is it just because I don't have enough experience in the dating realm to really compare relationships to anything else.
Maybe I do need to do this more often.
2 Comments:
Dude, no one likes to be held up to a standard. If every relationship is compared to the first, than those relationships are doomed to failure.
My advice? 'Cause I had to do this? Take some time and get to be friends with yourself. Tell love to fuck off for a little while, and concentrate on you. From what I've seen and experienced, it comes naturally, when you're least looking for it.
You're definitely right about that last part. I think it'll be okay once everything calms down a bit; having to deal with the doctor and this mystery illness I have hasn't done wonders for my mental health, that's for sure.
In retrospect I've done better with a lot of this. It just seems like when things end I'm always back to this single solitary event, and I'm kinda tired of thinking about it.
But you're right -- when I gave up looking for it, that's when I met her back in the day. So if I can sort of get this out of my head a bit and stop putting so much importance on it, things would go better. Unfortunately its just something I've always wanted and wanted so badly that I guess it takes the forefront alot.
This reply brought to you by sitting on hold.
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