#276 - You Hate Me; Don't Go

I haven't written in this thing for a long time, yet strangely feel somewhat compulsed to do so now. I suppose because of the possibility that today is the last day that I can consider my girlfriend to actually be my girlfriend, and I feel like I need to record something, at the very least, so that years down the road I can look back and remember how I felt today.

Apparently this gets easier, and I'll laugh that I'm so worked up over it. Hardly.

It's a strange, yet surreal feeling; I both feel as if it's already over and there's nothing I can do, and that things are going to be fine at the same time. Nicky cares about me, I know that she does, I still see that in her eyes when I see her. And yet, at the same time she seems to feel that she does not, so...it's only natural that I would feel both bad and good.

Future Don, if you're reading this and you and Nicky don't make it past today, perhaps today is a good day to send her an email, or call her, or try to find her just to see how she's doing. It's easy to say right now that I feel as if I'll never forget, but there will come a day where it's entirely likely that Nicky will not cross my mind. I don't know when that day is going to come, but it will.

I'd prefer it didn't though. Truth be told, I want nothing more than for her to reach the point that I found months ago when we were at this crossroads -- that it's not perfect, that it will never be perfect, but that it's something that's worth holding onto and cherishing, and working towards. I know that as it stands, I'm not a particularly good mate, but I also know that Nicky is not either...or maybe it would be better to say that I'm not sure where Nicky is, and I don't think Nicky knows either, so of course she doesn't feel right anymore. Her life has changed.

Our relationship can change and it can still work if there's hope on both ends. I feel as if there is, but I've been wrong recently before as well about other things, so...there's a certain lingering doubt pulsing through me, making me tremble, making me unsure. But...what choice do I have?

I have to be a better person, not just to try to save my relationship, but because I simply want to. I hope that she shows tomorrow, and I hope that I find something that may not be there. I'm not ready to move on. I can; I will; but I don't want to.

This isn't coming out as clearly as I want, but...my presence of mind isn't particularly clear at the moment either. I know one thing: I want to be with her.

I wish I could convince her that she wants to be with me, but I can't, and I won't. I know she still loves me and can love me that way again, but...that's not in my control. I won't give up though.

I won't.