Regarding Christmas
I'm not sure what it is about the holidays over the past few years but they're just plain miserable for the most part. It isn't that I don't like my family but I guess I've grown so disconnected to them that I find spending any significant amount of time with them awkward; perhaps doubly so when I'm single. Those few Christmas days I spent with Nicky over the years always seemed really awkward then -- her family insisted they see her on Christmas whether it meant my family saw us or not, and more often than not I spent those days in some random family members house surrounded by people I neither knew nor really needed to.
Particularly in retrospect given how things turned out, I suppose. But I can remember always sitting in kitchens and being alright while she was nearby, but if she went to the bathroom or to another room I ended up feeling really peculiar, the fly in the room that should probably just fly out the door, maybe.
Whats strange is that this has since carried over to every Christmas dinner at my father's house save one over the past few years. Most of those people are his wife's family and are generally nice, but I see little reason to invest any effort in the lot of them (perhaps excluding her children, whom I don't mind that much).
I'm not exactly certain why this is, but it was a long few hours. Even time I spend alone with my dad seems awkward and I'm not entirely sure why. I don't experience this when I'm with friends or when I was with Chris Ann.
Maybe this time its just a combination of everything going on with her, and the muscle pain and the hernia and being tired from doing another holiday season in retail. Who knows.
Speaking of the ex, I'm really hoping she doesn't bail out on Thursday night. I asked her to spend New Years Eve with me if they don't force her to work Friday, and given I don't get off of work until 9 PM that night anyway its not as if this is a particularly long commitment on her part. I don't even know where to take her at that hour; there isn't all that much around here. And somehow I have to manage to not spend the evening trying to convince her to get back together with me, which given how paranoid and anxious I can be, will be quite a chore.
It's funny how much easier it was to spend time with her before all this happened; now it seems like I want to focus on it every time I see her. Will have to try not to do that or it'll be a shitty night.
Oh and don't forget Valentine's Day is coming soon!
Hate this time of year.
Particularly in retrospect given how things turned out, I suppose. But I can remember always sitting in kitchens and being alright while she was nearby, but if she went to the bathroom or to another room I ended up feeling really peculiar, the fly in the room that should probably just fly out the door, maybe.
Whats strange is that this has since carried over to every Christmas dinner at my father's house save one over the past few years. Most of those people are his wife's family and are generally nice, but I see little reason to invest any effort in the lot of them (perhaps excluding her children, whom I don't mind that much).
I'm not exactly certain why this is, but it was a long few hours. Even time I spend alone with my dad seems awkward and I'm not entirely sure why. I don't experience this when I'm with friends or when I was with Chris Ann.
Maybe this time its just a combination of everything going on with her, and the muscle pain and the hernia and being tired from doing another holiday season in retail. Who knows.
Speaking of the ex, I'm really hoping she doesn't bail out on Thursday night. I asked her to spend New Years Eve with me if they don't force her to work Friday, and given I don't get off of work until 9 PM that night anyway its not as if this is a particularly long commitment on her part. I don't even know where to take her at that hour; there isn't all that much around here. And somehow I have to manage to not spend the evening trying to convince her to get back together with me, which given how paranoid and anxious I can be, will be quite a chore.
It's funny how much easier it was to spend time with her before all this happened; now it seems like I want to focus on it every time I see her. Will have to try not to do that or it'll be a shitty night.
Oh and don't forget Valentine's Day is coming soon!
Hate this time of year.
