I don't know if I should bother writing about this stuff or not anymore.  It doesn't seem to help; if anything the more I talk about it, the more confused I get.  I talk myself into corners where suddenly this whole thing is my fault, and that she's just bored of me or sees no future in me or whatever.  It's entirely possible the whole thing is just broken in her head and she has to get through her stuff, and most of the time I see that, but when the wall cracks...it breaks.  I'm sure it will get better, and I need to learn to just let it go so I can be better if/when she gets through.  Of course, maybe by then it won't even matter.

My tooth is still kind of bothering me, but I've been putting off going to get it looked at since I need to go to an endo for it.  I don't exactly have insurance, so the prospect of the root canal/crown is scary financially.

Starting trying to fix up my resume the other day (I'm not digging up the code for the accent on that, bugger it).  Hopefully I can figure something out in the meantime to take my mind of things.

But I feel so empty and confused about why this happened.  I think I want to make it my fault so I can accept it and move on, and I don't think I can because deep down I feel like it really has nothing to do with me -- or at the very least, nothing to do with her feelings for me.  I don't know.

All I can do is hope when it comes to her, and work on the things I can change.  It's just hard not to look in the mirror and say "can you blame her?"

Cycles of Musings

I've been contemplating writing more, both here and just in general.  The trouble is, unlike a lot of bloggers, my life is often extremely boring and I can't think of much worth actually writing about.  My days are most often filled with feeding my family's horde of animals or typical retail work woes (until I find something else, in which case I'll just replace it with those typical woes instead).  I'd post my thoughts, but most of my thoughts are just fears, and most of those are pretty typical themselves.  How do I get into a better line of work?  Is she coming back?  What did this mean when she said it?  How will I afford to pay this bill?

It's all very trite.  The problem with writing fiction, on the other hand, is that I'm still often plagued by that sensation that everything I write is just going to be stolen from something else I've read, or a game I've played or movie I've seen.  I always wanted to write a book, but I wanted it to have some kind of seemingly original element to it.  Naturally there's likely to be someone out there who would read it and say "Oh, I saw this in so-and-so's book," but I'd like it to at least be someone whom I've never read and can at least honestly say "Yeah, sorry, I didn't steal it from them."

So instead I mostly just play Final Fantasy XIV all day and deal very little with anything else.  I think, to an extent anyway, that this is probably okay for now.  I'm mourning a loss, one that was rather heavy to me, and while it isn't okay for me to do nothing about it forever, there's an element of time that I think should be just spent on me.  Unfortunately (and in many ways like her scenario), making no progress in anything is just going to continue to keep me in a cycle of being depressed about things.  More than likely, for example, I need to go back to the dentist and get a root canal on this tooth, but since I saw some sign of improvement after he trimmed the tooth down (apparently my bite was all out of whack), I just sort of assumed it was okay to ignore it.  It doesn't hurt nearly as much since, but I think it probably should have gone away completely if that was the actual problem.  Of course, the actual X-rays showed nothing, and were grotesquely expensive without insurance.  The root canal combination will be significantly more.

Getting a new job would help some of it.  Or deciding on going to school.  I was about ready to start doing the first one ( wanted to get three months in on the current one, and that just passed ), but then the great catastrophe happened and my motivation in dealing with it has reset to zero.  This is probably indicative that I put too much weight on this relationship in some way -- but I truly feel so back to square one now.  I had the beginnings of a plan for a life I decided I wanted, in a place I wanted to live, and yeah, maybe those plans are just sort of on hiatus and will be back.  But at the moment, treating it as if its over and done with, I'm left feeling that nothing I do will change anything in any sort of amount of time that will make me happy.

Honestly, there's more whining I'd like to do about the thing, but I'm trying to not make everything about her right now.  I still just sort of pray she's going to come back.  I'm still super worried she's not okay and I wish I could be there or do something for her, but I'm scared to contact her because I may make it worse.  And I'm still circling all around it thinking I'm missing something, and then reading into things and creating these other scenarios which probably aren't even close to true.  I guess I'm the sort that thinks maybe she had other reasons and just said what she said to soften the blow.  But she's never lied about anything else; why lie about this?  Why even assume she's fallen out of love when she said she's just got things to deal with so she can get on with her life?  The optimist would say "this has been coming for awhile now, and it needs to be done so she can have any sort of chance with you, and its totally normal."

Okay, holy hell, I have no idea where any of this is going and I don't feel any better getting into it, so I'm done for now.