Some Things Make You Feel Like A Motard

Really. For example, there were apparently people over to look at the house today while I was at work. There's been a bit of thunder and lightning action going on today and when I got home tonight (right before I started writing this, in fact), I thought I heard some in the distance and decided I would go outside and check it out through my basement sliding glass door thing. So, like most human beings that want to do something similar, I stood up and walked to the door and looked out into the dark, dark night. Seeing nothing, I slid the glass door open and walked out.

Right into the screen door. Which didn't hurt, but gave me a bit of a heart attack, because initially I reacted as if it were one large wire mesh bug that I pushed my nose into, and hopped back screaming in a tone similar to that of a prepubescent (spell that right? Who cares?) gymnast. And then I merely slid the door open and walked outside.

Now after you've laughed, I feel it necessary to justify my motardness by saying that we neveruse the screen door. Never. And of course, the wires are dark, and it's dark outside, so of course I couldn't see the thing. So I guess it really isn't something worth feeling stupid over, you know? And probably not all that funny, either.

.........

Screw you guys.

In any case, looking forward to the remainder of my night (which involves tortilla chips, a jug of fruit punch, and quite possibly a marathon of Martian Successor Nadesico. Because really, I'm enjoying that far more than I should. It's quite entertaining. And now I feel partially inspired to cosplay Akito Tenkawa at whatever anime convention I attend next...which will either be Katsucon or Otakon (O2K2)!

Of course, I can't sew worth a crap. So...obtaining said costume? Easier said then done.

And before I take off for this edition, a thank you to those of you who read the blog and send me support occasionally. It's appreciated; it really is. I shall blog with renewed vigilance. I guess.

~Don

A relatively good day, for once. I found work to be quiet once again and managed to actually get some work done. Beyond that, I completed a sort of backstory for a character in a graphic novel Vince and I will be working on in the near future...managed to read all the roleplaying Legion Letters, wrote a few posts, read a few comics, got in a few healthy hours of Final Fantasy VIII (which I've finally decided to actually grit my teeth through whether I like it or not) and then got to hang out with Vince for a bit.

Once again though, I find myself blogging immediately before bed and without a real subject or thought for anyone to waste time with. Sleep now, so that I may work again tomorrow. Ah well.

Ah, and if you like webcomics, click the Sense of Sanity link over there on the left. Read the few comics my good friend has done so far and feel free to join the Forum message board. Posting is fun, sort of. Everyone's welcome.

~Don

This Is My Headline!

You must ph33r not, for I shall blog again with some content soon. I always seem to forget about it until the last moment, and then not end up having time to actually do the blog itself.

~Don

I was going to blog, but now I don't feel like it.

It would have been another long rant anyway. So I decline my right to blog this evening. I'm sure I'll wish I had later in the night or something, but...yeah. I don't really feel like it tonight, I guess.

The theme of what would have been tonight's blog can probably be found through reading the previous two blogs, since the feelings are along the same lines as them.

~Don

Just a little side note before I go too far. Regarding yesterday's blog:

I take no responsibility for what I write in manic depressive mode, or whatever it is they call it now.

Simple as that. But for once, I think I actually wrote something of some actual value to my own personal experiences, and though I was a bit shocked to find out that a few people I knew actually read it, I don't feel all that badly, I guess.

Exposed? Or even maybe naked? Sure. But if I don't want people to read it, then I shouldn't publish it on the web, right?

Right.

In any case, I don't pretend to know how my mind works, either. It's a really confusing thing to have feelings, no? I can spend, and have spent, entire days alone and never had a problem with it, and I can spend entire days alone and feel the need to just run away. It's strange how what is normally an almost ideal situation can suddenly turn completely and utterly...inconvienient, maybe...and be the cause of so much angst.

I guess.

Or maybe it's all the anime making me think I should be able to do anything if I can just focus my ki a bit more, or if I had an Evangelion to pilot, or something.

And I guess maybe that's the real problem with me, and probably many others that have grown up on video games and such. A warped sense of reality. I feel like I only exist on 'the battlefield;' like something out there is calling me to fight, like fighting is in my blood.

Something that tells me that without a sword in my hand, flowing hair, and a cape fluttering in the wind behind me, that I'm nothing. The overwhelming sensation of failure.

Which is of course, completely untrue, at least in reality. What have I failed at? Nothing. Except maybe being around other people.

I think Ritsuko sort of says it best when comparing Rei Ayanami to Gendo Ikari: "...not really adept at....living, I guess."

~Don

And you know you've gone overboard when you make comparisons of your own life to fictitious characters.

It's not necessarily wrong to have your own existence defined by those around you. In fact, one would say that most people probably feel that way, and do not show it. Is it not true? Some, I'm certain, have a strong sense of self and can define their lives on their own terms, and put that train of thought on another track. Looking in a mirror, they can smile, or frown, but know exactly who they are and how the feel about themselves. How others feel about them is almost not important.

Some need a bit more acknowledgment from the world around them to let them know they're alive. They take into account how others feel about them, and sometimes even make efforts to change themselves to better fit into the eyes of those around them.

Needing others to define you once in awhile is not a bad thing, unless there is no one to define you around. Because if you do not have constant contact with the people that make you who you are, you are left stranded with nothing.

No sense of who you are. No sense of what you were. No sense of what you want to be. You're left there empty.

And then, how do you learn to define yourself? You can't, because you're stuck with all the other preconceived notions of you that other people have 'given' you. Somewhere amidst them is the real you, but damned if you're going to find it, because you're too busy trying to decide which person you want to be and for whom.

Who am I? Please, I'm begging you...

Where do you go when you're alone, and there's no one to tell you who you are?

Someone help me...

You stand on your feet, you fight onward, but the fight itself is meaningless. What are you fighting for? Who are you?

I don't know.

And who's fault is that?

My own.

So how do you fix it?

I don't know.

You can't. Everything spins out of control onward and forever, and you are lost in it. Just another face in the crowd.

Just another face in your own mind.

~Don

Short blog today, as I...was without modem-age until a few minutes ago. Now I have modem-age...and can tell you that I'm pretty busy, but that Otakon was full of GOODNESS.

And that's all I need to say about it for right now.

~Don

I take that back. My Blog is working.

Welcome back, Wasted Think...ers. You want updates? I got updates.

Work has been completely unpleasant. I really screwed up today and refused something I shouldn't have, and now I bet this woman is going to come back and complain about it tomorrow. Fact is though, I have no idea why I did it. I really had nothing to back it up, no protocol or rules or anything, it just...happened. And I didn't seem bothered by it until MUCH later.

It makes me feel sort of guilty, I suppose. I don't know why I'm so mean to people at work, because I'm not really like that with my friends and such. Am I so sick of my line of work that I can't bear to find some sort of happiness in it, or is it merely because I've been stressed out with everything lately? With the moving decision, and the changing jobs/going back to school thing, and preparing for Otakon and saving money and paying bills and not having heard from Corinne in awhile, I suppose maybe that's part of it. The fact is though, that I think I'm just tired of customer service and find that I can longer maybe...put myself at that level, perhaps? I'm not really sure.

Speaking of Otakon, it's...really really really close now. It's Wednesday night, so it's only about...a day and a half until I leave for a weekend to enjoy the things this convention has to offer. I've been told that the experience of Otakon is almost life-changing. While I find it somewhat difficult to believe that it's that incredible, I suppose it would be best to wait until after the experience itself to judge it.

It's hard not to be excited about all of it, though. Fortunately, I'm caught up on almost everything I needed to do this week before I went that had nothing to do with the convention. For example, I mailed my roleplaying letter thing quite early and managed to give myself tonight to calm down and relax before I work twelve hours tomorrow, and then come home and prepare for con, and then get up early Friday to drive to con.

Anyway, that's a semiupdate. I'm taking off. Zombies.

~Don

My Blog is NOT working.

~Don

Big person was a no show. Surprise surprise, as a corporate person was too busy to visit the lowlife store workers and grace them with his corporate presence. It made my day easier, I suppose, but I'm guessing the people that work tomorrow aren't going to be too pleased.

Thus, the phone stays unplugged tomorrow. No desire to see what's going on in that warzone.

In any case, life is pretty unexciting, even though the cool specter of Otakon is looming over the horizon. Can't help but feel a little excited about that. Even though it is going to make me utterly poor, I care not.

Oh! But you know what's cool? I have Ceres: Celestial Legend and it reeks of awesomeness! At least, I thought so. I'm totally into the shoujo, and there's lots of good shoujo coming from Watase Yuu. I don't want to say much about it just yet, as it is quite new on American markets and some of you may not have seen it and want to, so...I'll let it go.

Anime is expensive. But that's ok. I shall...go watch more.

~Don