Elfstones and Wishsongs
I've been thinking about a couple of things, but one of them just really struck me enough to warrant my posting. For a few of the people that read this blog fairly often...I imagine some of them will be somewhat offended by what I say. Perhaps. I don't know.
I noticed today that my AOL screen name was blocking again, in the sense that I can see who is online but I don't appear on anyone's buddy list. A few people have pointed out to me lately that I've been doing that a great deal lately, and I found myself remembering why I do it. I often leave my computer connected to download things or simply to have it already be online whenever I want to check something. Very often, I'm reading or writing or studying or playing a video game and not paying attention to it. It seems like every time I leave my SN unblocked, one of two things happens.
People IM it and I don't notice, or a person will IM constantly and attract my attention away from what I'm doing, even when I'm not interested in talking to them. Sometimes instant messaging becomes an annoyance when you're doing other things. I've been doing a lot of other things.
The internet is just there for me now, and I think that's something I should be happy about. I think I had become some sort of addict when I first got it, and roleplaying with OCS kept the addiction going because there was always something to do to improve my character's standing, or there was always something I needed to type or deal with through IMs. It was extremely unusual for me to go so much as a day without feeling an intense need to check my email and various message boards.
Because of this, I think the internet became my very existence, and for a time I only really existed in the outside world instead of being a part of it. I think that's why someone like me, who wants so much to experience the ups and downs of true love, someone who used to thrive on things like sports and friends, suddenly found himself spending a lot of time home typing instant messages. I think my addiction was so deep that I fooled myself into believing that loving someone over the internet was both normal and acceptable; so much so that I found myself in a form of relationship twice.
I made a lot of friends that I still care a great deal about, but I've noticed that my relationships with them have changed. Where I used to feel excited to IM everyone I knew, I find now that I speak to them less often. It's almost as if they've become those old friends that you catch up with and speak to for a bit, and then go your separate ways. Don't get me wrong, I still care about all the people I've met online and I've learned to accept them as more than the sum of their fonts and their words. There are people typing those things on the other end, facing computers and lives just like I am. I still want to meet some of them, or even mail them letters, or talk to some of them on the phone once just to cement them in my mind. It worked out well with Corinne, for example, who I don't see very often but now know that I can consider her as a real friend, and not just another screen name.
The people I seem to talk to the most on the internet now are probably the people I should have been talking to more to begin with. They are the people I spend time with outside of this house, the people I work with, people I know. They are people like Dave in Ellicott City who I don't travel down to see very often, but it's good to read his livejournal and sort of stay up-to-date on what's happening in life for when I see him next. People like Vince, who I occasionally work with but don't get to hang out with as often as I'd like because of both conflicting work schedules and distance. People like Charlie, who are at school right now but I'm sure I'll run into this summer at some point. Mike Catania, to discuss what's going on with this summer's Bands for Benefit show, because he's faced with a similar problem as I, which is being fairly far away from many of his friends and not always having the money to afford driving down to see them as often as he'd like. It's great for coordinating nights of hanging out with him or with Roger, for finding out about concerts and stuff.
It's a great tool for finding about new games and discussing them with friends; for downloading Jrock and ROMs of games I'd never be able to find or play now. It's a great place for me to vent about things like this. It's great for a lot of things.
Great, but somewhere along the line I stopped living here. The real world is not all that it's cracked up to be. It's full of pain. Full of lonely nights wondering where life is going, wondering if anyone will ever love me. It's full of anger and hatred, full of awful memories of mistakes and loss. On paper, I would be insane to choose reality over the life I more or less lived over the internet, where I met many new and excited people and I wasn't afraid to share my secrets and experiences with them. There were ups and downs, but there was a part of me that was always happy over the internet, where I felt there were people just like me reaching out for someone to acknowledge them because their lives might have been like mine. I'm different. I always have been.
Reality sucks. But I spent those two years or so being a coward and not facing it, and I think there came a time where I realized that the happiness I was feeling wasn't the true happiness of the little things, like trips to the Hard Rock and ESPNZone yesterday with Kev-$, Kev-girlfriend, and Vince. I was tired from my latest insomnia attack and I had a rough day at work, but now having gone, I don't know that I would have traded it for anything else.
I guess the summation of my writing is this: I don't want to be summed up the a blue, boldfaced 'Flik Masters' or 'DragonmasterDon1' in someone else's IM box. Using this to communicate with my friends is perfectly fine, but it is completely unacceptable to live here.
I would rather live in complete misery in the real world than fool myself into believing that my internet friends will make me happy for a lifetime. They are special people, and they are intelligent and engaging and I care about them, but when the cards are down who will come to my aid? Who's shoulder do I cry on?
I suppose the choice barrels down to this:
Ranting in paragraphs and getting a "::hug::" and some words from someone who lives hundreds, maybe thousands of miles away, or
Getting a real hug from someone that is here and understands...or possibly crying alone.
At least with choice two, I won't feel guilty anymore. It'll be the real me, and not some fabrication I've made of myself over the internet. Besides, pain is nothing new. Everyone goes through it, you know? I guess what it all means is that I've overcome what some people never do: an addiction. And a dangerous one at that; one that caused me for a time to lose grasp on my true identity; one that wreaked havoc on my sense of self.
The things I did before I got addicted to the internet were things that I were spending less time with. Writing and reading, nights of just playing games or pool with guys like Aaron, Sven, and Durand, even playing RPGs and other games. These were things that seemed to lose their fun when I got "here." This is how I know I'm free from the "shackles of cyberspace."
The things I loved before RP and instant messaging are not only taking up my time again, but they're taking precedence over RP and instant messaging. And this is why I've been blocking so much, I suppose.
When I stand on my own two feet, I want to stand on real grass. That's all there is to it.
~Don
