Eh?

I wrote an entry, and it didn't show up...so I tried republishing it. Let's see if that entry, or this entry actually show up on the page now, eh? Justice.

~Don

Total Healing!

Nothing horribly exciting has happened, and nothing thought provoking has crossed my mind, so of course there's been a bit of a silence over the Blog lately. Had some good times in the past week and a half or so with Dave and company (one night it was with Scott at the Baja Beach Club, one night it was just Dave and we met some folks at a party, and the other was at the 9:30 club where we ran into the folks from said party while seeing Thunderball and Lake Trout and some other band who's name I can't remember with Vince and Dave.)

This is the way it works. I haven't seen a lot of other people lately, but several of my other friends simply don't have time or don't have interest in doing things lately...or if they do, they haven't come up with anything worth telling me about, apparently. I can't blame people like Sven, Durand, Dan, and Aaron, because I haven't given them my new number yet, but the rest of you who can get online have no excuse.

I can sort of understand how Dave feels lately when he wonders why he's the only one who ever seems to get things together. Sometimes with the rest of my friends, I feel like if I don't come up with something and do all of the phone tag, none of us hang out. That's not to imply that they aren't out doing other things. What it does imply, however, is that we aren't all getting together for good times.

Hopefully that will change. Fortunately, the Dave/Scott/etc group has been on a quest to have good times and meet folks, and they're happy to bring me along for the ride.

I still haven't decided on a full time job yet, but I feel like I've made a little progress in making up my mind. I still need furniture, and I still need money, and more Rurouni Kenshin. Despite all the things that are goofy right now, I'm pretty excited. After all, it's only a few short months until Otakon, and sometime next year the big Japan trip will take place.

No matter what happens between now and then, I can't help but be excited about these things, plus other things that haven't come up yet. And of course Bands for Benefit, and the other things the summer will bring.

In other news, don't get so obsessed with typing that you skip covering your mouth when you sneeze. Now I have to go wash my hands and wipe all sorts of things done. Chikushooooo...

~Don

Certainly.

Got an email from Nessa that I haven't had time to reply to yet.

In other news, nothing much has happened. Had a few thoughts tonight, but I played a lot of Arc the Lad II, then 'got my workout on,' and I promised myself I'd get some sleep tonight, and I still have to dig some stuff out to hang out with folks tomorrow.

So yeah. I know. I'll write something, I promise.

~Don

Arc

Before I begin, let's establish that Arc the Lad is a very cool game, though not without several frustrations. Tonights frustration comes from the inability to leave the Forbidden Ruins or whatever they're called without climbing all the way back to the top. To make matters worse, the monsters on each floor regenerate, so even if you kill everything on that level...you have to fight them all again on the way out.

Supposedly there is a hidden character or something at the end, so I thought it would be worth a shot. Let's just say after roughly two hours, I found myself on floor 45 of 50 and just starting to run into some real difficulty. So I started running for the staircase instead of trying to battle my way through, which worked really well.

Until floor 46, where they killed the only character with Resurrect...and then when I got to 47...all the monsters suddenly had the ability to jump over the walls they were barricaded behind, which most of them could not do up to this point.

And that was that.

I found myself wishing I had the Egress spell.

In any case, though...I gained nothing except knowledge, and now I have a vague idea how strong I need to be before trying to make it to the bottom. It might be worth going halfway down or so again just to pick up some of the awesome accessories that I found though. Some of them make a huge impact on my characters stats.

But seriously, I might be able to get through there if I get some levels, but if I get some levels, I may as well just take my chances and try to beat the game instead, since apparently I'm at the last battle or so already. That way I can move on to the rest of the collection, and since there's two full length RPGs coming up after the first Arc, I kind of want to get to them as soon as possible, particularly Arc the Lad II, since it's based off the anime series...and it's hailed by fans of the series as the best of the three games.

It's work. They should pay me for this.

~Don

I Know.

I know I said I'd get to writing more, and I will. Tomorrow. The blog is more for the slightly deeper entries, so I like to devote more time and energy to it anyway. In the meantime, you can read mild summaries of daily events on my Livejournal. My username is tenkai_star.

Not that anything particularly exciting happens, but still. You're probably bored if you're reading this anyway.

~Don

Should Have Guessed

I'm entirely too sleepy to continue my thoughts from last night. I didn't fall asleep until sometime past 5 AM, and then got up to go to work less than 3 hours later. So instead of thinking, I'm just going to sit here and play some more Arc the Lad before going to bed.

Tomorrow, M. Raines, M. Thompson, and possibly Kev-$ will be playing some baseball. It seems possible that Kevin will join us if the weather holds up, but if it doesn't, then the Matts and I will probably just head over to Carroll Community and play indoors. That student ID comes in handy.

Nothing really going on this weekend yet, though there might be more sports. Maybe even a big wiffleball game on Saturday.

Freaking Deep Impact DVD

I was just thinking about me being a totally different person now than I was about five years ago, and even though I wanted to go to bed, I couldn't help but have a sudden urge to type about it. For example, I was reading my Senior Memories book, and I came upon the family section. The entire section was devoted to basically badmouthing my parents in every way I could find. I was probably just really angry at the time, because that year was the very same one that my parents broke up in, and basically the entire year was spent with them bickering.

And I mean really bickering.

So I imagine I was just being hostile, but at the same time there was an obviously jaded side of me coming out then. It's both funny and sad to read it now really, because I see how completely wrong I was.

The misery started then, I suppose. During the last year of high school, which was quite possibly the best and worst year of my life to date. There was so much misery, anger, and loneliness at home that I did my best to be there as little as possible, and when I was, I totally isolated myself, so much so that I basically stopped eating dinner with them. I'd just come upstairs, take the plate, and then go back downstairs. The fighting was horrible, and as much as I tried to get through it, there were times where I just broke down; times where I ended up late to school because of all the fighting only to come in and slam my backpack against the bandroom wall before locking myself in the percussion room until they actually needed to play.

Before going on, it's important to note the good things that came from this particular year. Band brought so many incredible friends that I think a little sparkle of hope deep inside of me flickered back to life. The people in band and marching band and Indoor Percussion Ensemble (particularly the rest of the percussionists) became the closest thing to a working family that I could have had at the time. I think it was probably them that got me through that year and made it incredible. I did so many things in that one year of high school that I never dreamed I would do when I entered as a freshman. I was in love with Marin back then; something that brought me a considerable amount of self-loathing and despair. However, my friendship with her was and always will be special (kind of like my friendship with Gina). Marin is still probably the single most fascinating person I have ever met, and she was the only one to ever really be real when I whined. Instead of just simply saying it would get better, she'd tell me the truth, and while it hurt sometimes, I think deep down I adored the fact that she spoke to me like an adult.

She was one of those girls that I loved to make laugh, and probably the last girl that I've had serious feelings towards in a long time. This isn't to say that I'm no longer interested in girls; nothing could be further from the truth. But I've always believed that it would be difficult to find someone that I cared for and admired as much as I did for her. It's a scar that I bear, but it's a scar that I'm proud to bear. Just being near her made me mature, I think, or at least it planted more seeds for change.

You know, my parents aren't perfect people. Far from it, in fact, but I've learned that no one in this world is perfect, and to expect otherwise, from anyone, is foolish. Sure, my father is whipped by his girlfriend, and sure, my mother was the one to leave the house years ago, but there are things about them that you have to respect. That Savage Garden song probably says it best: "I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do." And given the circumstances of their marriage and my birth, I can hardly disagree. Both have been there for various things when I've needed them, and though we have a somewhat strained relationship, I now see what I never saw before: light, at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

I went through a long period that started during my job at Weis where I was completely and utterly addicted to the internet. I think I would have gotten over it on my own slowly, but there were new friends that set me straight. They were hard on me when they needed to be hard on me, and I think it saved all of our friendships. These are the ones who made that website to sort of slam me for spending so much time playing Lunar and being online and the very same ones who bitched me out for constantly choosing internet chat rooms and roleplay over hanging out with them. At the time, I was angry and hurt by it, but they were so right that I could never hold any malice towards them for it. Those guys are great, and I'm glad to be able to hang out with them.

I'm glad to hang out with everyone I know, really. I just wish I had learned to listen to advice a long time ago. When I think about how miserable I was back in the day, and then compare it to now...there's no real comparison. I have bad days, like anyone, and I get stressed out, but as a whole? I'm about three hundred percent happier now. And things are slowly looking up. I'm devoting time to studying Japanese and now even spending time exercising, and I'm making an effort to go out as often as invited. The internet is nothing more than a tool of amusement for me now, unlike before, when it was an alternate lifestyle.

It's difficult to see people who are like what I once was. People who look for love on the internet, or people who pass on things because of the internet. I suppose I should be happy that people are doing what they want, but honestly? Just because it's what you want to do, doesn't mean it's good for you to do it. The internet, particularly for relationships, is not a healthy thing. You shouldn't even bother being in any form of relationship unless you've met face to face, or you're using it to circumvent some sort of temporary distance (Take for example, Zombie Charlie. If Charlie wants to chat with his girlfriend online while they're both at school and hardly ever able to see each other...in that case, more power to him. There's a real relationship there, you know? But you people who are trying to date people online that you've never met? Get off the computer. I imagine it's like getting over any type of addiction. It's not easy at first, but believe me, chances are you'll be very happy you did in the long run. It's not worth it.)

I can't believe I used to skip doing things with my friends because I was supposed to go to chat rooms for role playing meetings, or because I had to type an in character letter, or something. Looking back, it seems completely ludicrous.

In any case, I have more to say, but I'm looking at the clock and realizing two things: One, that I need to go to bed so I can get some rest for work tomorrow (all this exercise will leave me quite wiped out tomorrow, I bet) and Two, I'm quickly becoming tired. Tired to the point where my thoughts simply are not coming out as concisely as I want them to.

So for now, sayonara...minna. Get justice through sleep.

~Don

Hrm.

Sleep is for the weak, or so people tell me.

But no sleep makes me weak. So, I suppose they're right. Because I get weak, and then need sleep.

That was the closest thing to an epiphany that I could possibly pull off today. Quick day at work, but I'm really tired. It was entirely too hot to sleep last night.

Supposedly, the Arc the Lad Collection is out tomorrow. I'm actually going to guess more like Wednesday. Record Town doesn't seem to be getting it, so it looks like I'll be buying it somewhere else. Or maybe I should try to just skip it? Hard to say. It is expensive, but there are four games in it, and really? The RPG world has got slim pickings now, and for the next couple of months. Arc will probably be plagued with extreme Americanization, but it will tide the time until like....Xenosaga, Wild Arms 3, or especially Suikoden III comes out.

Because I apparently won the UPT contest at work, I got a merchandise credit of $19.99. I used it to knock more money off Ico, which was already on sale for roughly half the ticketed price (the sale price is, of course, probably the regular price of this game elsewhere.)

It's pretty cool, but somewhat difficult. I have a feeling I'll be looking for help from Gamefaqs at some point. But we'll see, I suppose.

~Don

Alright.

The nice thing about being up here at my mom's house is that there is certainly more people that I feel comfortable talking to. Let's be honest; Dad and I have never really talked too much. We're on and off. Mara doesn't listen to a word you say except to twist it into something else, and her daughter is far too dense to hold a conversation with. This leaves...no one.

What's nice about being here? A few things. For one, my cat. I really liked Thunder for the short time he grew up with us, and it's nice to be with him again. That cat is neatacular, even if he got fat and lethargic. I also have my brother to hang out with sometimes, and my mother.

My mom even came up here and sat down to hang out a few times already. Having lived with Dad for so long, my immediate reaction was "What the hell? Don't you have anything to do, or someone else to talk to?" But I'm all for it. And really, Jerry's pretty easy to get along with.

Everything's pretty good, I guess...except for the lack of furniture and the lack of things to do. And the fact that my stupid paycheck wasn't at work today.

This week, hopefully I'll recover from my health problem and possibly locate some form of job. I'm so sick of how little I'm retaining right now, particularly with Otakon looming, my doctor visits, and Japan next year.

Sleep. Then time to get to work.

~Don

Back Online

Justice.

I have another entry stored in Microsoft Word, but I don't feel like dragging it out right now.

Nice to see you again, blog.

~Don

April 7th 11:27 PM

This entry was written at the above time. I wasn't certain when I'd be able to post it, but here it is.

Today has been a generally bad day, but also a genuinely good day. I was expecting that
moving out of my father’s house would be a liberating feeling; but that’s not what I’m
feeling at all. Well, maybe a little bit, but it’s also sad. I could tell he was saddened to
see me go; perhaps sadder still that I chose to live with my mother over him. But as I
tried to explain to him, the choice boiled down to a lot of things, particularly his
girlfriend, who has little to no interest in my brother or I. And I tried to explain to him
that I thought this was the better decision for us both, because things probably would only
get worse.

And I’m tired of fighting.

But still, I can’t help but wonder if I did the right thing by running away. I don’t like the
fact that I’ve caused him pain, but...I don’t know that anything would change even if I got
a job, or if I spent more time watching TV with him.

At least this way, we can appreciate our time together more, and it won’t be as strained. I
just hope I can fit in in my mother’s house. I really do. I don’t want to be miserable, you
know? And Dad will be free of the stress that I was causing him. And Mara will be
happier, and that should make him happier.

I can’t help but feel doubt though. That’s just the way I am. I love my Dad. I don’t
know that he knows that no matter how much I tell him, especially after I ‘abandoned’
him.

Oh well. What I do appreciate right now is the fact that Vince has come up with me for
my first night to help me ‘move some things,’ and now we have Mystery Science Theater
3000 to watch before going to bed.

Good times.

Breaking Point

It's none of your business where I've been. It's none of your business where I've applied. It's none of your business what I do in my spare time. See, this is the thing that my father and his girlfriend really can't seem to understand, and that is the fact that I have no desire to share personal information with other people, because when it comes down to it, other people can only do so much for you. I'm trying to learn to take care of my business on my own, because I'm tired of people telling me I can't function without them. This, of course, means more than simply financially.

I'm not yet at the point where I can take care of myself financially. This much I know. I am, however, more than able to do a lot of the things that I'm often accused of not being able to do. For example, finding a job. I've had two jobs, and I know how to get a third. Truth be told, I really haven't invested as much effort as I could or should have in the past few months, but this week I was looking around after work and flipping through the newspaper that my mother gave me with the Westminster employment section, and I had a few places in mind that I was hoping to either check out tomorrow or early next week.

I do not feel, however, that I owe it to anyone else to tell them these sorts of things. I like to do these things on my own and surprise people with the results, and I can't really do that with the father and girlfriend constantly trying to get me to 'report my daily activities.' For one, I think this entire idea is completely unnecessary. All I really want is to be able to look for a job on my own and ask for help if I need it.

I don't need help. So why do they feel it necessary to throw their help in my face? I'm not an invalid; stop treating me like one.

I can't stand the idea of having to go home and describe my day step-by-step to win their approval or something, and I have no intention of doing it. However, it does seem to be what they want. Unfortunately, I have a habit of not bending at all when it comes to people that I don't really like all that much.

It's like my mother and I always talk about, and this is why my mother and I get along so much better than my father and I. My mother will speak to me like a human being. Dad has this habit of talking about only what he wants to talk about, and when you don't go with his conversation, he turns straight to insulting you. This is exactly why I don't like talking to him about anything important, because it only turns to him telling me that I'm completely worthless or lazy or incapable of doing anything without him. I'm sorry, but that method only succeeds in doing one thing: sending me in another direction merely to annoy him.

At twenty-two, I'd like to be able to hold an adult conversation with my own father, but I now believe that such a thing must be an impossibility. This doesn't leave many options, as I'm sure you can see.

The girlfriend is of no help whatsoever, despite having college degrees or whatever. Her presence merely seems to incite his babbling further. Neither of them understand the one thing I've been trying to explain all along, and that is that I fully understand my situation with not having a job. So stop explaining it to me.

Go away, actually. You're not helping; in fact, you're only slowing me down. And what's more is that when I get a job and manage to get them off of my back, I guarantee that something else will come up within a week or two that they'll start on me for again.

Hopefully I'm wrong about that, and getting a job will get them to treat me like an adult. If I'm right about it though, I suspect I will be moving in with my mother. Although honestly, at this rate? That's a real possibility one way or the other. I'm not asking for much. I don't eat much, I clean up after myself, and I only really stay in my room. Most people would see that as 'easy to live with.'

This hippy family nonsense you two are preaching? It's not going to happen. I'm going to go to Japan, and then I'm going to get an apartment either by myself or with someone else, or I'll be with my mother. And I said it a long time ago, so I'll say it again to refresh their memory: Once I'm gone, you're not going to see me again.

And I don't think I'll have a hard time holding on to that. I've been around this awful man and his negativity for so long that when I finally get away from him, I don't think I'll ever come back. In that sense, it's kind of like AOL RP. Or...some other bad thing that you get over. Or something. Aw, go away.

~Don