#190 - Oro?

What the crap?!

Short entry today, because every time I try to see my blog, I get "Page Not Found."

What the crap is that?

I don't know. Hopefully it will show up later.

~Don

#189 - Get Over

Time Passes Quickly, Leaving Only Memories In It's Wake."

Mild apologies for what I wrote yesterday. Sometimes emotions are difficult to contain, and when they are and you try to express them, they often come out in ways that are almost completely different from what you intended to say in the first place. Once the blabbering begins, it's difficult to stop.

Before I go any further, I just want to give some kind of 'shoutout' to Justine. Her entries seem to be more insightful lately, and I feel like I know her very well simply from what I've read. Of course, I finally have more hits than she does, but that probably has a little something to do with that counter problem she had -- oh well. Excuses, excuses, dear.

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to die, and more often, I wonder when I am going to. Let's state the obvious from the start: it's not a question about if you will, it's a question of when.:.

I don't say it often, but I am under the impression that I am going to die relatively early in life. More specifically, soon. I can't completely justify where this strange feeling in the back of my head comes from, but I am certain that I can contribute it to several things. For one, I feel like I'm growing almost feeble day in and day out. I used to speak fairly well, but lately I feel like I stumble over everything I say. Simple things seem to be becoming more difficult. My memory feels like it's fading away. I feel shaky driving a car. It's a strange feeling to sit and type and find myself not sure where a key is all of the sudden, or having to stare and labor over a sentence only to find when I reread it two days later that it was completely written incorrectly.

I was a very good writer once. You could almost say I was gifted. Perhaps I've only fallen from grace because I do not practice the art as much as I could, or perhaps it comes down to my studying of Japanese blending into my English or something. I'm not entirely sure. Maybe it's all in my imagination.

I keep getting strange pains and sores out of nowhere. I frequently feel weak and lethargic no matter how much rest I get. Sometimes the dizziness even overwhelms me. And I have a sneaking suspicion sometimes that I have a lump. You know what kind of lump I'm talking about. But I'm not entirely sure, and without insurance at the moment, I can't really afford to go and check. I could also be just a little bit afraid to find out.

But doing research on that sort of thing, I've almost ruled it out completely, logically. None of the symptoms add up to anything I read in websites or in my books. I was hoping to garner some idea of what it was that caused me to feel so uncertain about my future, but the change in attitude is the biggest kicker of all.

I feel a sudden urge to do things that I was never in a hurry to do. For example, going to Japan. I even use the excuse, sometimes unknowingly, that I may turn around and die in a year, and then how good would two semesters of college have been compared to achieving this 'goal' that I've had about going to Japan for a long time? Then I pass on having never experienced that once. Along with other things, things pertaining and relating to the topic of yesterday's entry, but not necessarily with the person I spoke of.

It's bizarre, and maybe it's self-induced by how I feel. And maybe I've simply convinced myself that it's going to happen just to give me an excuse to be more active. I don't know. I guess the main thing is that I need to get ahold of some insurance quick, and then pay a professional to give me some answers whether I want them or not.

Of course, maybe those strange pains I've been feeling 'down there' are attributed to me just sitting on the floor to often. After all, I really didn't start feeling like this until I moved up here. There was that pseudo-urinary tract infection, but nothing like this. I don't know. I don't think this is the place to go into any more detail than I already have, though.

I'm trying to chalk this up to a bout of personal drama, but sometimes it's difficult to convince yourself of things like that.

Who knows.

This has been a weird entry that definitely needs to stop before I make myself feel any more uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong, I'm still having really good days lately, even if it seems otherwise by the tone of the past two posts. I'm not really very upset...just...an idle mind wandering, I guess you could say. Whatever.

~Don

#188 - Unrequited

"She Just Doesn't Understand. You've Got Plenty To Offer."

It seems like a long time ago, but for my last year of High School, I was actually on the Yearbook Committee. Actually, it was only the group that did the end of the year supplement. I didn't enjoy the class very much, and when I got a call a few days after I graduated telling me that I needed to come in to finish up some pages, I recall basically laughing and going back to my game. I never saw the final product.

Tonight I came upon the final product, and out of curiousity, I decided to take a peek to see what had happened. I figured that any note of my efforts in this would have been erased, seeing as I never came in to finish it off, but apparently they did use some of my pictures and copy. I was sure they wouldn't. Continued flipping brought me to the prom page.

That night didn't go particularly well, though there were moments of fun in it, I suppose. It was awkward and uneasy for me, and probably just a bit for her too, and since she was feeling fairly ill over the course of the past few days, I can't imagine she felt good about dancing. The amount of time spent sitting at the table probably held true to that fact. This night has now come up twice in the past week, and this time it was through pictures.

Because there, sure enough, was a picture of Marin and I dancing. I managed to more or less shove aside the wave of remembrance that occured upon seeing it, but as soon as I was alone in the car, that battle was lost.

Marin was, and still is different from any girl I've ever met. There was something so fascinating about her from the beginning that being in the same room with her was like a drug, the kind you can't shake an addiction to. I spent roughly a year in the same band room, in the same section as her, and barely spoke to her until the end of it. She dressed differently from everybody else, she acted differently from anybody else. At that time, I didn't find myself more than a little attracted to her, but I was certainly curious.

And then one day, out of the blue, she started talking to me. A few weeks later was the first time I was really in love, and probably experiencing the first true changes in my personality that I could ever really point out. I had spent the previous few years laughing at marching band, and suddenly at her request, I found myself in it. If she wanted to practice, I made one of my parents take me to her house. If she seemed overloaded, I offered to carry whatever I could. We became very close friends.

Maybe even a bit too close. Soon, the flirting would come, the moments where we'd knock each other off our prospective pedestals and then laugh at it. The serious talks would come from time to time; small phases of carefully conducted talk, being aware of how the other reacted. There were plenty of times that I can remember carrying on a quiet conversation about the people in the room from a secluded section of it, the way that you often see two lovers talking to each other in a crowded room --whispers mostly, as if excluding the rest of the world from it.

Lying on a couch and then suddenly finding her on top of me; sitting comfortably while still carrying a conversation with other people in the room like it was nothing. Staring up to see this beautiful girl so close, so casually touching me, like it was nothing. And loving every minute of it, yet honestly? It never felt sexual. I never looked at her in that almost animalistic, objectifying sort of way that many men tend to do to some women. That is, of course, not to imply that I was not sexually attracted to her. Moreso to say that what I felt had gone beyond that.

There was an intense need to know everything about her, inside and out, and every time I found myself convinced I knew who she was, she surprised me. I can still recall clearly how it felt to have her sit like that, and I can also clearly remember traces of taste her lips left when we kissed at a party, ever-so-briefly, as part of truth or dare.

Marin is intelligent, and full of life, and always on the go, and I think deep down I was very attracted to that, and to how I felt when she was around. But I think I was mistaken then to rely so heavily upon her to motivate myself.

The main thing to remember here though is that nothing ever came of any of this. The subject came up once when I made a joke to someone else at a party, and it resulted in finding out that she was interested in nothing more than friendship.

To this day, I still have a hard time believing that. And no matter how many other times I swear I've found someone that 'might be the one,' it's only been me trying to convince myself that I was over her. Or at least it seems like it sometimes. So maybe I am, and maybe I'm not.

I can go some time without really thinking about her, but when I do, it's always the same. A feeling that I wasn't strong enough then to be what she wants; a resounding sense of failure, and an intense urge to want to be more than I really am. But maybe what this all really boiled down to is that I should have just been myself.

Maybe I tried too hard. Maybe I should have focused on just being better about myself, and not being better because of someone else. It's alright to feel that way, I suppose, but if you can't stand on your own two feet, how can you expect to be there when she needs you?

And with someone as strong as she was, it would take something pretty much catastrophic to bring her down to a point where she'd even need my consolation, I assure you. But if I can't grow up on my own and stand up on my own feet...if something like that did happen to her, I'd never have been able to hold her up, and that's what it's all about. At least to me.

I'd like to believe in the back of my head that the game isn't quite over yet, though. It's foolish, but I still think it to be so, at least somewhere in the back of my mind, anyway. She may never understand, or never even know, but that doesn't mean my feelings have changed.

Maybe someday she'll realize the right one has been there all along. Or maybe we'll both think that and it won't work out. Who's to say. In any case, seeing that picture and then watching Video Girl Ai left me with quite a bit to think about, and this post didn't come out nearly as cleanly as I would have liked.

I don't think I've truely said what I wanted to say. It's a lot of rambling. But it at least it's sort of out of my system? I don't know. What I do know is that sooner or later, I'm going to have to spend some time with her to see how she has changed in the past few years, and to see how I really feel.

So you'd better make time for me this summer if you actually come across this.

Heh. Sleep now. Heart kind of hurts.

~Don

#187 - Reflection

"The Boy Stared Back In Hatred..."

I suppose that I really need to call my father. It has been a few weeks, and I still have not returned to pick up the rest of my things. In fact, besides replying to an e-mail that he sent me, I've had absolutely no communication with him whatsoever since I left what I considered to be that awful place.

And truth be told, no matter how much I feel like I should, I seem to lack any urge to do so. I suppose this has something to do with knowing that I will inevitably run into the evil step-mother or her daughter at some point, and I am more than glad to be free of those two. That is the one thing that has become the most difficult to face, really. I don't want to see either of them again, but I have no choice but to do so sooner or later. I loathe them. Not in some biting horrible way so much as I hate what happened to my father when they came around.

He was never like this when my mother was around, and perhaps that's why they ended up getting divorced. It often seems like his very life is dictated by their wishes, and while there is a certain amount of "romance" involved when you are involved with someone in such a way, I cannot help but to look at it in disdain. "He is no longer himself. If I were to take her away from him, he would be a worthless, empty shell of a man."

This is, of course, not entirely true. Most human beings possess the ability to grow from a failed relationship. However, I sit back and I see how Mara's every wish becomes my father's evey command, how he spends all his money so he can give off the impression that he is rich so she will be more attracted to him or something, and I despise it. It's somewhat similar to the joking around my mother and I do around here: "Did you ask Amber if it was okay for you to use the bathroom, Danny?"

He acts very similar, although I do not think he has gone quite as far as my father. But then, perhaps he has? Perhaps he has gotten to a point where the girl matters more to him than the rest of us? I know I've felt that impression with him and my father; suddenly they have little time and little interest in what you're doing.

Maybe I just don't like being abandoned by people that used to spend so much time with me.

Maybe I have no right to even discuss this subject considering how I've never had a serious relationship, but when I was 'in love' with Marin, I often found myself doing things that I would have never done of my own volition. Don't mistake me, I don't regret the decisions that I made in high school. I often actually consider my joining marching band to be almost 'life-saving,' because it got me out of that hellish warzone of a household that I lived in. There were suddenly goals to work towards that I was not accustomed to having, and for the first time in my life, I felt I had actually had a real family in those people in my section.

It was a very surreal feeling that I miss. However, I would not trade my current life to have it back.

Sure, I could change things so that I had money and interest in going to college, but who's to say that I would have become any better on that road? A lot of the college people that I know have this sort of elitist attitude towards those who do not go to school no matter how successful in the real world they really are. Would I have been that way? If I spent four years living in a dorm, would I have learned the things that I have learned by mixing with the arguably more people in the real world?

It's hard to say. I think maybe I would be more successful, but probably less happy. And I most likely would not have the current group of friends that I have, and I don't believe I could ever accept that. I wouldn't trade people like Sven, Mike, Aaron, Roger, Durand, and the others I met working at Weis. Those guys are still a lot of fun to hang out with. The same is true with the people that I've met working at Record Town. People like Vince, who you can hang out with doing nothing and still have a good time, and people like that Matts, and Charlie, and all of those others.

And of course, if I hadn't met Vince, I'd have never met Dave, and consequently never 'reunited' with some of the folks I knew in highschool like Sean Manear, Dave Bates, and Scott Fairley. I also wouldn't have met cool folks like Louie and White Ryan, or the people at the kegger that I said I'd probably never see again and then ran into at the 9:30 Club.

Etc.

In any case, I've totally passed the topic this post began on. I should call my father, but for some reason I still have no urge to face all of that again. I most certainly do not want to go to dinner with him unless he leaves those women behind, but I seriously doubt that's going to happen. The woman loathes everything about my father's past life in her heart no matter what you do to change her mind. Why bother, then? I certainly don't want to break the bread with people who will act nice to you while you're there, but totally despise you behind those lilting snotty voice facades.

If only there were a way to get her out of the picture. Not permanently, of course, because I know she makes my father happy, but if I could keep her out of the picture that has just my father and my brother in it.

A ludicrous idea that will never happen, but it's nice to dream. The results speak the truth though; I'm much happier here. I'm going out and having a good time, and I feel more motivated now then ever in my entire life. It's strange how open to new things I am all the sudden. Maybe I'm still simply settling in.

I don't know. This is one good train of thought that slowly went off track, and I seem to have lost my grasp of it. So I guess now is as good a time as any to stop for the night, particularly since I need to go to sleep soon anyway.

Night, kids.

~Don

#186 - Problem Solved

Yesterday, I couldn't get my last entry to publish to save my life.

Today, it went in two seconds.

I don't care all that much as long as it gets up there.

I had some intelligent points to make tonight, but I have almost no energy nor the desire to bother typing them up again. But everything's going well so far as I can tell, at least with me personally. The rest of the world I'm not always so sure about.

I hope that little message I left P.J. gets him to show up tomorrow. I also hope he gets fired, and at this point I feel no remorse about it. Hey, if you're not going to come to work, you shouldn't work there. Simple as that.

Anyway, off to whatever. Decent day.

~Don

#185 - Gotta Read 'Em All!

Today, my mother brought home an entertainment center. It's much smaller than the one my father bought for me as a present not so long ago, which is good, because this room is somewhat small. It seemed like kind of a waste of money at first, only because I had one already, but upon further review I actually think buying a new desk and entertainment center is a good idea.

If I ever get my own place, then I'll have big stuff for a living room, and smaller stuff to fit in a bedroom. They're functional furniture pieces, and I'm sure I could find uses for them. And it would be nice to have a desk just for my computer...and a regular desk to do other things on. I like desks...and truth be told, the thing my father bought me was more like a computer hutch or something.

Freaking huge.

In any case, I'm still sitting on the floor and it's cramping up my legs, but at least I can start hooking things up again. And as you might have noticed, this entry got a number. This number was achieved by a bored and tired me going through my archives and counting my entries one by one. And I probably screwed up, but from now on I'm just going to keep numbering them.

More entries than I thought, honestly, but not as many as I was hoping for. Still, I average roughly five a week even after considering that I've only put roughly two up over the past few.

Whatever. My eyes hurt.

~Don

Wonder

As in, I wonder if there is a way to find out how many entries I've put in this thing without going back and counting?

If I don't find a shortcut, maybe I'll count tomorrow.

Bad times when I came home tonight to find my computer off...and not turning back on when I hit the power button. The monitor was still drawing power though. I eventually yanked the plug from the back of the hard drive and plugged it back in, and as soon as I did it, it kicked on again. This leads me to believe that perhaps the wire was loose (both from my mother moving a few things around and from the kitten waltzing around my computer so much), and that the wire probably just fell out of the back while I was gone, because there doesn't seem to be anything else visibly wrong with it. No burning smells or anything unusual. In fact, it seems to be working quicker now than before.

I'm going to leave it running all night to see if it kicks itself off again, just to be sure. I didn't get home until almost 1, so it was on for roughly 12 hours or so. I don't know. Hopefully it's not going up in flames, but I guess we'll see.

In other news, State Farm is aggravating. I played phone tag with two offices to get things straightened out, and then I never got a callback for an appointment to sign some stuff. I need to do it tomorrow, or it will probably have to wait until next week (because basically? I won't be home from work in time Thursday or Friday, so I can't go then.) They might have called when I was on the phone with AOL.

Now that was a frustrating phone call. They had no intention of letting me quit their service. Apparently I can pay $2.75 a month to keep my mailbox and screennames...but why do that when I can just make a new AIM name (if my old one disappears, but people are telling me that cancelling AOL doesn't necessarily mean you lose your AIM names, and even then...I can just copy my buddy list and tell everyone the new name), and I can get a free e-mail account basically anywhere?

It's an attempt to keep you with them in some way so they can suck you back in. I felt bad for the woman; she tried very hard and was nice, and I probably hurt her record or something. But I called to cancel, and that's what I wanted to do. Good thing I didn't tell her about the cable modem, or they would have tried to get me to use AOL through that, which is still an extra ten or so dollars a month plus my rental fee.

Though it's probably cheaper to buy a cable modem, but I don't really know how to set those things up. So I don't know. Actually, I know it would be cheaper to buy my own. Twenty bucks a month to rent the modem piles up fast, and I can probably get a decent modem for less than two hundred dollars..but I still wouldn't know how to use/fix it.

Eh...whatever. Sleep. Good times hanging around with Aaron, Sven, and Dan tonight. A little basketball, a little Slurpee action, and then me winning Playstation Wheel of Fortune...and Aaron, Sven, and I beat the computer at Playstation Jeopardy!

Never thought I'd win a video game version of Jeopardy in my lifetime. That's kind of cool.

~Don