#204 - Missed Opportunities

Who's lazy? I am, still.

Several days this week, I opened Blogger with the intent on writing another entry. In fact, several times outside of my house I reminded myself that I needed to return to just blogging in general and maybe staying away from all the heavy-hitting emotional nonsense that nine-point-seven out of ten couldn't give a crap about or really understand anyway. That's not to say that I was planning on no longer opening myself up here, but I thought it would be nice if I actually posted once in awhile. It's not like my life is nothing but thinking.

Anyway, some exciting days coming up. I turn twenty-three in the beginning of October, but you'd be hard-pressed to get me to tell you the day. Mainly, as usual, the birthday will serve to cover a few items that I've been waiting awhile for, specifically Grandia Xtreme, Wild Arms 3, and a couple of anime DVDs. This opens Christmas up for a time that my family can use to buy me things I might actually need, if they buy me anything at all. Truth be told, I don't expect or anticipate gifts from anyone besides my immediate family, and I wouldn't be offended if they didn't get me anything. I'm past the age where birthdays really meant anything to me, and I could just as easily go out and buy those things on my own, despite the limited budget.

To a certain extent, I prefer not to receive things from most people anyway, so if you know when my birthday is, do me a favor and don't do anything more than send me a card or a "Happy Birthday" IM or something. Keep it simple.

Next Saturday is Hersheypark with what's left of the crew that worked at Weis, and a few others. This is one of my favorite things of the past few years, I have to admit. I'm sure Roger, Travis, and Mike will be there, and possibly Casey...possibly even the unseen Jim Falise (though I kind of doubt it). Anyway, I'm sure good times will come of this - I'm debating whether or not to buy a cheap disposable camera or if I should take my digital and make something for Great Justice Dot Com. It's a small trip, but I'm sure a few decent pictures will come of it. To a certain extent, Roger and Travis are in the Justice Crew anyway.

Quite possibly the regular Justice Crew will be attending an anime convention in Virginia the weekend after that. Dave isn't sure if he has a gig that weekend or whatnot, but if he's free and we're going, I'm sure word will be spread to folks like Joe, Sean, and Vince. I think it's kind of important that we attend things like this and take pictures - it'll serve as good advertisement for the website, and it's good fun anyway.

Speaking of Great Justice Dot Com, I made a couple of edits to the few pieces of actual content that I have up there, along with saving them as Notepad files and fixing some of the HTML in them. There are a few places that ended up looking strange because of how I wrote them, and how they were placed on the page by Dave because of it. The goal here is to get the HTML stuff down enough to a point where I can write a normal rant and have it turn out so that I can use the Log In to add content in my free time. There's also the usual little minor fixes that I want to take care of, which I may be getting to after this. Or I'll start something new.

Point being, I've really been slacking, and I've got a fair amount of free time, so there's no excuse for it. This is probably all going to go out the window once I get some new games, so if I can get some stuff done today, that would be totally nice. Eventually I'll want to add screenshots for game reviews and such, but right now I think it's probably more important to just do the regular reviews. Anime is a given, but I'm not sure if games will be a fixture on the site or not. Might as well be, since it's our site. Everyone who works on it regularly could, in theory, have their own sections and such to work on.

Who knows.

But it's going to get bigger, so make sure to keep an eye on it. Dave's got some stuff in the works, and I know Sean sent in some content, too. So I should probably get on the ball, I guess.

Anyway, yeah. Today has been that kind of day. There's really nothing else to do; everyone else is busy except for Dave, and he doesn't feel like driving up here, and I don't feel like driving down there. Save gas for a weekend. Not such a bad thing.

~Don

#203 - Change of Pace

What the hell?

I've really been sounding whiny on here lately. There's an obvious reason for this of course, as this blog is my real 'sounding off' board, where I can really just type out whatever it is I happen to be feeling, even if I change my mind about it a bit later. But lately, looking over the posts, it just doesn't seem like it's worth reading. Not that I have any reason to cater to 'readers,' so to speak, as it's my blog and no one else's, but still. I sometimes wonder what kind of image I create for myself on here, particularly for those who might not see me very often and wonder how I've been, or for those who don't really know exactly how...is 'fragile' the word I'm looking for?... that I am.

Truthfully though? Everyone has problems, and in their mind, they're probably bad. So despite the fact that my problems are different from the people that I know, I imagine I'm not the only one to ever feel concerned, stuck, or lonely, or any other negative feeling. That's life, isn't it? And the more time I spend worrying about it, the less time I have to enjoy life for what it is, and not necessarily for what it could be.

It also seems to be a rarity that I write about good things these days, or even just the mundane. A while ago, I wrote in this blog almost every day, if not moreso, and often it was just about the going's on. Then at some point, probably around the time I was about to move into my father's new house and things were sort of falling apart, I became horribly introspective and only wrote when I had something I really needed to get out.

My mother said something the other day that still has me sort of stunned, and that was "You're still the smartest person in the entire family, no matter what you say. You're not stupid; you just haven't exercised your brain the way you used to. It'll still be there whenever you decide to start working out again."

In all the whining and staring into space, all the social anxiety and real-life failure, maybe that's the truth. You know, I still have a wealth of knowledge at my fingertips everyday. I don't believe that I'm a genius, or ever was, although both my parents have said so on several occasions., but I do know that I probably possess the ability to learn and recollect better than just about anyone I know. But I probably have fallen out of shape with it.

It's too bad. I really could use that old motivation that I had in my school days, really. I thought about that too - about how little effort I made in school. Did you know that through probably my entire school career I've probably averaged at least a 3.2, if not higher, GPA? This is including the horrible math grades and my handwriting back in the day, and such. The number isn't all that impressive I suppose, until you understand exactly how little effort I put into it. And it's not like I took easy classes in high school either, just about everything was a level 3 or 4, except for a few of those courses that I just really wanted to take (Astronomy, for example).

It makes me wonder about why life went the way it did. I'm not sad. I don't regret it, but I spent more time playing video games and having fun then I ever did with school. I probably could have done much better. I could probably be off at some ivy league school. I could also have ended up completely unhappy there, or decided that whatever major I was working towards wasn't for me and ended up wasting several grand in tuition money. Or I might have become the typical college kid - the one who spends every night drinking or smoking pot and not studying, thus resulting in bad grades and/or failure, and wasted tuition there too. College is a bit of a different ball game, or so I've always thought, so I imagine I'd have actually had to have studied if I went there. Maybe that's not true though - I mean, the college class that I went to was entirely too easy. Granted, it was a community college class, but the idea is still the same.

The only time I really put major effort into that class was with the research paper near the end, and that's because I actually had to go find stuff to write it. I ended up with somewhere around one hundred and eight percent as a final grade? I laughed then, and I kind of laugh at it now. It can't possibly be so easy, can it?

You can't dismiss the sort of stuff you learn at college that I haven't learned - mostly the pseudo-living alone lifestyle and the social interaction, and of course the education itself. But I like to think that I've learned quite a bit outside of college as well. Life lessons, like how to survive family issues, or how to make do with a small paycheck, or toiling away at a job that pays not nearly what you deserve. It took awhile, but I'd say I'm quite the worker anywhere now, at least compared to where I was when I started. I don't necessarily enjoy work, but I don't spend the entire time there complaining about it, you know?

They're small lessons that I've learned, but at least I've learned.

Anyway, I'm starting to think what I need to do is grab some random books and study. Not just continue my studies of Japanese, but just having random study matter in general. Reference materials, you know? So I'm not just surfing the web and playing video games and typing in blogs and doing other stuff.

Wow, this got longwinded. But yeah. So maybe this will be something to look into? I kind of liked being smart.

~Don

#202 - Asuka

"I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die..."

So I've been sort of secretly struggling with something for a little while now. A few months ago, I went to the Emergency Room to get something looked at, which I feared was going to be a Urinary Tract Infection. This is something I didn't really tell a lot of people about, so I'm not surprised if this is unfamiliar to anyone. It happened the same weekend I moved out of my father's house - perhaps it was even part of the reason.

Long story. Anyway, four or five hours waiting in the room with a needle in my arm and such, and I tested 'negative' for that, basically. In fact, I was told that my single kidney functions exceptionally well according to the bloodwork, and was given a prescription for a UTI anyway. I felt a bit better after taking it, but I don't know that the problem had ever really been resolved.

This would be the weekend that I was 'drugged up enough' to fall down the staircase and broke stuff on the way down that ultimately led to the argument which was the catalyst for moving out of there. Anyway...

I'm not entirely sure if it went away. I don't remember. Lately I've noticed that my nether regions are feeling a bit on the tender side (think two, and you'll know which section I'm talking about hopefully). It's become almost painful even, to the point where I barely want to do anything any more. I've done a pretty good job of masking it, I suppose, but I'm starting to wonder about it. Maybe it's why I've been so laid back lately. For example, I can work really hard at a desk, but I've been lacking the energy to get up and do anything else.

Among other things, but I wonder if whatever's going on has sapped a lot of my energy away.

In any case, I'll spare you the details of my various examinations, but there does seem to be something unusual. I don't believe it's cancer. I'm thinking it's actually a condition that I read about who's name escapes me, but it involves swelling of some sorts. I've been urinating quite a bit, and the discomfort is becoming quite a bit to bear. Beyond that, there is definitely a physical irregularity.

Where does this lead? Well, obviously I should go to see a doctor, but doctors cost money, and since I don't exactly have a full time job, I have neither tons of money to spare nor health insurance. This, of course, is no one's fault but my own. But what do you do in this situation, when you can probably afford the doctor's visit ( a visit to the urologist would probably be about two hundred bucks, I'm guessing ), but you couldn't afford what he might tell you to do? For example, it could just be treated with some type of antibiotic, but what if it comes to even a minor surgery?

Those are expensive.

Were it to be cancer, I'd be in all sorts of trouble.

The obvious solution to that is to find a job, but many jobs will not give you insurance until you've worked there for a certain period of time, which may end up causing me to wait so long that irrepairable damage could be done (the kind that results in infertility or something). And even if I find a job that does give me insurance, would it be fair of me to take it and then immediately put myself on sick leave if something goes wrong? And how do you find these things out beforehand? Am I to walk out of any interview once I find out they don't provide the insurance?

I think State Farm provides Health Insurance - maybe I should consider buying a policy for say...six months. It would be expensive (probably at least a hundred bucks a month, I'm guessing more), but it might end up being cheaper than going to the hospital without it.

But I don't know. It's one of those things that's really draining me, and I don't really know what to do about it. I've been suffering for awhile now though, and I really want to be past it.

It's been keeping me up at nights worrying. Particularly with the possibility of it being cancer, but I'm honestly somewhat convinced that's it not.

Ok, this has gotten out of hand.

~Don

#201 - Enough

The sting of the mirror may be enough to finally cause you to turn away."

I should stop living in the past. Simple as that.

I really didn't have much else to say.

Don't be worried. I'm a lot stronger now than I was then. I'm going to make it in this world somehow, yet.

Yakusoku = Promise.

And that's pretty much all I had.

~Don

#200 - Whine

"Might be the most popular person in the world, but they can still experience loneliness, and it can be just as painful."

I wonder why I'm so different from most of my friends sometimes, particularly the male ones. This isn't something I've just recently started with either, it's something I've wondered for quite a long time. It always leaves me feeling a bit lost, honestly, and I've never been able to figure out why.

There are two or three particular points in that train of thought, and I suppose I should address them on Blogger to see if I can gain clarity through my own words.

I suppose number one has to be my attitude towards women.

This really came to a head at Dave's party during the strip poker game, where I found that I couldn't bring myself to vote for a girl to take her shirt off. I felt sorry for her, to a certain extent, with everyone else giving her any sort of pressure for that sort of thing. Even stranger, when she did so?

I didn't look. Not even once. I buried myself in the living room just out of sight; enough that I couldn't see what was going on, but still in enough to be a part of conversation. I can't seem to figure out why I reacted that way. Sure, maybe I am just a gentleman. Or maybe I'm just afraid.

Let's be honest, when it comes to making jokes with the guys, I can be no different then anyone else, but what I'm getting at is more along the lines of relationships and sex, really. For one, a lot of them would have no problem whatsoever with 'scoring' on the first night that they meet someone; in fact, I know plenty who go for that from the get go. On the other hand, as much as I talk about it, I'm almost completely passive on the subject. It's something that's only really on my mind when I'm by myself, you know? From the beginning, I've been interested in forming a bond with someone not completely unlike you would see in a romance or a romantic anime - the kind with lots of touching, in particular, but not touching of a sexual variety. The hugs and the holds; the little tender things. Particularly, I've always had this archaic sort of view of being her guardian, which is probably why I tend to be interested in girls that are somewhat diminuitive in stature. To a certain extent, I imagine that's a selfish desire, but at the same time, it makes me wonder if I'm that willing to give myself over to someone like that.

I'm going to get stomped on, I'm sure. I'd say I sort of did with Marin, and that's probably why I haven't really opened myself up to anyone since then, but that's not really her fault so much as it was mine. Even then though, I remember the days of being able to consider a sexual natured dream with any female I had a clear mental picture of, but I couldn't with Marin. I could dream of so many things, but never anything like that. Mostly I dreamed of the simple things, wanting to hold her and never wanting to let go, being able to say how I really felt, seeing her smile all the time, or feeling the touch of her hand against my own.

I'm also entirely too inexperienced for my own good, and wouldn't be able to do those things in the right situation. No, in fact, I find that I can almost do nothing but sarcastic these days. I feel like I used to be an intellectual, at least, but lately it's just...nothing but jokes.

I oftentimes wonder if I'm just an act for my friends. Like, do they see anything past that fascade that I put up? Is there anything past that? Why do I feel so stupid lately? And why is it that I can never manage to say or do the things one needs to do to show their affection?

This is getting really sad. I can't help it. Why couldn't I just tell her those things back then? And why, years later, do I still feel ... like maybe ... she really is the only one for me, and that it's never going to happen? You know what she would do if she read this?

It would probably offend her. Our differences are probably too great. We're good friends. Or were, at some point, but like a lot of people, I just...stopped hearing from her and it's been ages since. Too busy for me, of course.

A part of me almost feels like there was a sort of vindication to that - if she ever stopped and wondered where that man was who would do anything for her, she should have opened her eyes sooner. I was right there the whole time. But knowing her, she never stopped to wonder.

Twenty two years, and I'm still alone. This is, of course, completely my fault. I've never blamed anyone else. I just wish I could be like everyone else and land a girlfriend or something, but I can't do anything but make jokes. I can't take that step towards anything. I can't even pick the foot up off the ground.

I lie about this all the time. About how I'm not lonely and how I don't really care about meeting girls or anything, and to a certain extent, the latter is true. Most girls I'd meet at the kind of places we go are probably either out of my league or not someone who'd be interested in me anyway. Nonetheless, I think I'm slowly driving myself mad. Seriously mad. Several nights in the past weeks in particular, I've stared at my ceiling with my neck craned over the back of the chair and thought that I was going over the edge.

Anyway, I'm drifting. I also can't party like normal guys can. Most of my friends are able to do that - party, drink, club and such, but I can't find much entertainment in it. Don't mistake me, I have a good time out with my friends when I go out with them, but it's not the same for me as it is for them. I only really enjoy myself because my friends are there, I think, not because I like going to those places. Except for possibly the Eighteenth Street Lounge, because the atmosphere is so different there than the places I've gone with my friends.

I have a good time at parties too, but it's not the drinking. I think most people say that I still manage to be pretty entertaining without touching alcohol. I can't bring myself to like it much when I do, and I get strange looks from people at parties all the time when they see that I'm drinking a Code Red or something.

You know, I can't even fathom the allure of those things.

Ok, this is getting out of hand and it's lost it's focus, so maybe I should just give up for awhile. Apologies if you were expecting something special with my two-hundredth entry, but no. Just more of Don complaining about being lonely, and that's just about it. Maybe this is a sign that I simply need more to do - these things don't bother me as much when I'm not sitting at home.

Eh. I just don't feel like writing anymore than I already have, I guess. I don't feel any better, and the whole post is incoherent. I can't really bring myself to delete it either.

It's important sometimes to be able to look back at your weaknesses. Maybe in a few weeks, this will give me some moment of clarity.

Or it just won't make any sense.

~Don