#238 - Death

So it's been a busy week. The more asinine ordeals, as usual, end up on Livejournal, so I see no point in really recounting any of those particular events. Instead, I'm finally getting around to writing a blog I felt the urge to do earlier this week. It's the usual with me, really - spending a relatively long amount of time in Westminster with either Nicky or my friends (or occasionally both) causes me to be home a bit later than the old days, and so I'm still adjusting to the whole lack of solo free time deal.

Anyway, twice in the past few weeks, I've been plagued with the same train of thought as I lie in bed at night, but it was far more noticeable on Monday night. Tuesday was to be spent going somewhere with Nicky provided things went well, and there was no indication that I'd have anything to worry about - I was dead tired and ready for sleep by the time I walked in the door after the usual horrible day at work and some Dance Dance Revolution.

I finally took to bed, and that's when it started. Idly, my mind somehow managed to get on the subject of death and dying and such, and ... I simply could not shake it.

You see, I'm horribly logical and not very spiritual, so I've always had trouble believing in the typical after death theories - heaven and hell, reincarnation, and the like. I don't know that I really want to sit here and explain Donlogic on either of those alternatives, but I have trouble believing that when I die, my mind will just keep going. Or to use the term everyone else uses: my 'soul.'

I want to believe in things like that, you know? But logic wins me over, and I am convinced of what could very well be the cold truth about death - that when you die, you simply die. And that's it. You cease to exist in every way, shape, and form. It's sort of the same argument that's pervaded my thoughts lately about religion.

There's nothing wrong with religion, folks. I'm not bashing or flaming, and I'd prefer if you comment that you do the same. But for me, anyway...I look at it like this: there have been several hundred religions during the course of human existence, I would imagine. Possibly more. If you look at some of the more famous ones, there are some trends that make it difficult for me to just believe. For one, as human beings evolved, so did their perception of their great creators - several early religions were polytheist (too tired to play spellcheck tonight), and their various Gods/Goddesses had various roles in various things. The unexplained was simply chalked up to a diety. The sun rose in the morning because of Apollo, etc.

But time passes, and science evolved, and now most organized religions are monotheist in nature. There is one great overall being or whatnot. I imagine if you asked a priest why the sun rose, he would tell you it had to do with the Earth's orbit around the sun or something to that effect. The larger difference would be that the priest would attribute both the Earth and the Sun's existence to God, while an atheist would ramble on end about gases and space and such.

How was the universe created? That should probably be the more important question in the grand scheme of things, you know? Certainly more important than how Man came to be on one planet among billions of stars.

This is already starting to hurt my brain, and I'm not even focusing all that much yet. I should probably stay on topic.

In any case, I've always found religion to be somewhat hard to swallow, and one thing that's often passed through my mind is that religion could most easily be described as a 'crutch.' Whether or not I truly believe this, I'm not certain, but the idea is this - religion was created to explain the unexplainable, thus making life simpler for people. If you can't explain why the universe is here, why not say "It exists because God wanted it to exist," or why you lost that pet you loved so much when you were a child, or anything. God did it.

To continue before I go off again, I wonder if heaven and hell, and the concept of reincarnation...if these things weren't integrated into various religions over hundreds of years to help alleviate the fear people have over death.

Does that mean that if you believe in those things, that there is something wrong with you, or that you should just face the truth? Not necessarily. Religion may be a crutch, but for some it is a necessary crutch. Let's face it, sometimes people just need something to believe in simply because they cannot believe in themselves and other people. There is nothing inherently wrong with it at all; if it makes you a better person for the long run, then it's the smart thing to do. But I guess I've always believed, or I've learned, anyway, that believing in things I couldn't prove has never really helped me accept anything. Human beings are remarkably adaptive, you know?

So I adapt.

This is way out of control. I'm sorry. Maybe I'll go back and proofread and edit this entry later, because I can feel it scrambling all over the place. Anyway, I got to thinking about all of this and for the first time in a long time, I felt truly afraid. You see, I'm one of those people who's never really placed that much value on his own life before. I've always wanted to be a hero, or at least have the chance to die for someone I loved - and that would obviously mean that I would put others above myself. Beyond that, I've thought that dying for someone else's sake would have given my life some kind of meaning, only because I have never had any real direction or reason to be alive. I have nothing that I've found that I'm particularly good at, or at least nothing that I've been made aware of, so I must exist for someone else, you know? I must exist to make someone else happy, or to protect someone else. Death is a scary thing, but I'm ready for it when it comes. That might be why I'm here to begin with.

So I've always been a little afraid, but not so much. Then the other night when I started thinking about it, I was just...petrified. I guess it all comes back to the fact that I'm changing - that suddenly I want to find something that I'm good at, that I'm starting to think I need to find a career and soon, and that...well...perhaps selfishly, I don't wish to leave my friends.

I don't want to leave the woman I'm falling in love with. Not simply because I do not want to leave her alone - sure, that's a part of it, and that's noble and all, but...if I leave this world, I can't be with her. So I want to be alive, even if I have to suffer, you know? If Nicky and I break up, it's going to hurt a whole hell of alot...but...I don't know. It might be for the best. I may find out down the line that she's not "the one." What matters though, is that lying in bed at night, crying out of pure fear...there was still one other feeling there.

An overwhelming urge (or perhaps a better word would be 'need') to be with Nicky. I wanted nothing more than to call her, but I didn't for several reasons. I wanted even more to drive to her house and crawl into her arms outside in the cold. Or whatever - the thing is...I just wanted her. I'd have been happy to fall asleep, since I was meeting her in the morning, you know? The quicker I fell asleep, the quicker the morning would come.

Three hours later, I finally fell asleep.

I did eventually end up talking to her about this much later on Tuesday night; in fact, it bothered me all day long. It wasn't until we were just lying in my bed (after eating ice cream -- there's something about eating ice cream in bed that I really liked, and no. We weren't eating off each other. Nothing like that at all.) that I managed to stutter it out before becoming a teary-eyed mess again.

Except this time she was there, and her arms were around me, her scent filled my nostrils, and her whispers caressed my ears. And as sad and afraid as I was...I don't know that anything could have been better for me at that moment then being exactly where I was.

Ok, so that horribly thrown together post about horribly unpleasant subject matter managed to end well. Sorry...or maybe I'm not, either. Reading is voluntary, I guess. Whee.

~Don

#237 - In the Spirit of Trust

So the other night, I let Nicky see a bit of my blog. I didn't really play pick and choose either; pretty much anything I came upon that dealt with her I allowed her to read if she wanted to, and I highlighted a few other "interesting" passages from the time where I lived with my father. It was somewhat of an impromptu thing that was sparked when I decided to show her Brent's blog (there's a link up there - it's hardly updated enough to warrant me digging the link up from the template though, so if you're that concerned...go back up when you're done), and I felt somewhat relieved having let her see some of it.

She didn't quite understand the purpose behind blogging in general though, which is kind of surprising. "I don't think I'd want everyone to be able to read about me," is what she said, somewhat paraphrased, of course. I explained the honest truth to her - that it's something that I've been doing for a long time and that it's really only serving two purposes:

a) A general outlet of feelings or rantings whenever the urge strikes; and

b) More a way for my remaining few internet friends, particularly my Number One Blog Fan Justine, to keep up my life even though I don't really talk to them all that often anymore.

Really though? It's probably more A then B, except in Justine's case anyway, because she's probably the only person I'm aware of who stops by here on a relatively regular basis. There are a few people that read from time to time, like Dave and Mike, but for the most part anyone that's reading that I haven't mentioned obviously doesn't make use of the comment feature very often, and doesn't really mention my blog in any form of conversation.

Don't get me wrong; I prefer it that way. It's easier to write in anonymity than it is with a blog that you've linked to every one of your friends. Sometimes I just don't want to share everything with the rest of the world, you know? Obviously, the counterpoint here is that I probably shouldn't write it on the internet, but the thing with the internet is that you can do this sort of thing without worrying too much that someone you know offline is going to stumble onto it by accident, particularly with sites like Blogger and the more popular Livejournal.

It's possible, but highly unlikely.

Anyway, it's been relatively busy, as usual. Nicky was here most of the day Saturday and may end up here most of the day tomorrow, though we may decide to actually go somewhere for a change. This doesn't happen much because both of us are on relatively tight budgets, particularly with Katsucon coming up.

There's a con that I'm not going to spend much money on for a change. Seriously. I may only go into it with a hundred bucks to buy stuff with, tops. Things are just too tight with all the DDR playing and the other goings on, and you never know when something's going to come up that will cost even more cash.

I'm already seriously reevaluating my decision to go to Japan this year -- at the moment, I would say I'm probably not going to be able to go anymore. I've been without a real job for awhile now, and there are just more important issues at hand - I need medical insurance and to start thinking about a new(er) car and probably a new PC at some point, and I'd like to eventually be able to get a place of my own too.

I just don't think any job I get hired for in the next year or so will be too keen on me vanishing for a month. What I may have to do is consider cutting my part of the trip in half - maybe only going with Dave and Jake for two weeks and hopping an early flight back so I can get back to reality.

The two weeks I could possibly cut, but I doubt I could take a month off.

Of course, this is all moot seeing as I currently have no job to debate this with, but I can't help but think about it nonetheless.

Speaking of jobs, I still need to find one, but the new Boscov's place they're building at the mall hired Nicky today. Really happy for her - she should get some actual hours there and apparently they started her off at seven dollars an hour, which isn't all together horrible when you consider I started management two years ago for seven dollars and twenty-five cents an hour. If they were to be opening relatively soon, I'd apply myself, but I'd like to get out of Record Town before April, which seems to be the earliest they could open, given the fact that Nicky does job training in March and they'll end up being behind with construction if this on-and-off-again snow doesn't alleviate itself.

Ah well. Anyway, congratulations to Nicky and major props for Brent for switching a day with me this week after Diana decided to alter my schedule over the weekend without telling me -- AGAIN.

~Don

#236 - Glorious Island Fortress

It's dangerous to be home before I actually go to bed, and it's also highly unusual. Several days a week now, I tend to arrive in my house around midnight only to go to bed a mere half hour later. Tonight, however, Nicky decided she wanted to dance or rave at her friend's party since she hadn't been in awhile, which left my night mostly open. For the record, she actually did invite me to go, but it was after I had already decided to spend the evening with Vince and Scott playing Dance Dance Revolution and chatting.

As she said anyway - 'You'd probably be really bored there anyway."

I don't really know how to 'rave' either, though she said she could teach me how to do it. Perhaps that's something I'll learn in the future, but I'm not in any terrible hurry. I'd be learning it simply because it would allow me to spend time with her anyway; not because I was particularly interested in the matter.

Anyway, I've been fighting a small bout of typical male jealousy lately. There are a lot of people that seem somewhat interested in Nicky, or put-off by the fact that she's dating someone when she could be dating them instead. It's difficult to not feel a bit aggravated with the attention she gets, but I'm able to calm myself relatively well; for one, she can blow off other people with relative ease, and two, I trust her and what we have enough that I find it difficult to believe that she would throw it away so easily.

It's complicated, I guess.

Anyway, going with my little theme?

It's dangerous because I'm sitting here comparing the various "Homelands" of the three primary Suikoden games - the Castle on Lake Toran, the Town of North Window, and Beaudehyke Castle (yes, I know that's not the official spelling - hell, I might have even butchered the old name, but I like that spelling better than Budehuc Castle. Don't even get me started between Bine del Zexse and Vinay del Zexay.) The whole thing is inspired by the fact that I'm listening to the Suikoden OST, and it's a rather silly thing to think about, but I'm actually that bored.

I think I'm going to surf a bit more, shave, and go to bed early. I'm tired from all the DDR and the genuine lack of sleep lately, particularly since I've been waking up early for whatever reason almost every day for the past two weeks.

Ah well. But yes, early sleep sounds like a fine idea.

~Don

#235 -

Nothing much to write about today.

Okay, there's plenty to write about, but some things are left better unsaid.

Good things happened on Saturday, and that was it. I feel like we made a good connection on two levels - physically and emotionally. Otherwise, it's been pretty run-of-the-mill.

This is one of those blogs that I'm just putting up to satiate my urge to blog, really.

~Don

#234 -

I'm not really feeling bothered by things, but I've been reevaluating a lot of stuff lately. I'm not sure if I can attribute it to the sudden life change of having a girlfriend or what, but once again I find myself taking a few steps back and really just looking around at everything as a whole instead of one issue at a time. I think it's probably something that's been occuring for awhile now though - I've noticed that I'm thinking about getting a better job or writing, or studying, or otherwise continuing my search for things that I'm good at and that I enjoy so that I can focus on them as a career.

Nicky's probably just bringing it out of me quicker than usual because we spend so much time together, and because I feel like I want to do more and be more for her. I should be careful to avoid the trap of getting caught up in that thought too much, but I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who have felt the same way. Inadequate.

Deep down, I think I'm doing a pretty good job at the boyfriend thing. We don't really go anywhere except to eat and occasional forays to malls to shop or play DDR or whatnot, but I feel like I do the other things fairly well -- I'm a good listener and I seem to have no problem making her laugh, and we always have fun no matter what we do, but I can't help but wonder if I couldn't do more. I'm binded by a lack of funds and a lack of ideas.

I'm fortunate to have such a forgiving girlfriend, and one who can have fun simply sitting around and watching anime or playing DDR. I'm fortunate to have one who feels comfortable sleeping in my arms, which is something that I simply cannot get enough of.

I'm a fortunate guy in general, I think, which may explain the sudden shift in my personality lately. Open, upbeat, optimistic even? I've never considered these words to be even close to defining me before, but lately that seems to be the case.

I haven't found a career or anything, but I still believe something is out there. I keep hearing somewhat cliched phrases like You can do anything you want once you make up your mind, popping up in my head when I think about it, and I don't think I've ever felt confidence like that before.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still weak and feeble and learning to acclimate to existence as a whole like just about everyone else I know, but I don't seem so afraid of it anymore. I feel like I can stand up for myself emotionally for the first time in my life, and everything else seems like it can just fall into place on it's own. And beyond that, I feel like I can stand up for her too.

And those friends that still talk to me after all this time? I'm really appreciating them lately, particularly the ones who are just being themselves and not trying to be somebody else for whatever reason. The ones that I've been trying to be somebody else and trying to change me to fit their mold are the ones I've become somewhat aggrivated with as of late.

Katsucon is coming up, and I think Katsucon is going to be a good statement as to how the rest of the anime con year goes. Right now I know it's me, Nicky, Dave, Vince, Joe, and Alex going, and out of that group only one wants to throw parties and drink beer with strangers late into the night. The rest are interested in being with friends and enjoying the con as a whole. I'm not going to allow Katsucon to be like Otakon, where everyone just kind of went their own way and the singular focus was practically on promoting the website to cute girls.

Originally I remember wanting to pass cards out to people in general, but that's not what happened. And honestly, I don't want to promote this website anymore at anime conventions anyway, because Great Justice Dot Com is no longer about being a bunch of friends watching anime and meeting new fans and doing the whole 'loser otaku' thing. It's become...or becoming something that I'm starting to believe I don't want to be a part of anymore.

Instead, I'm going into Katsucon with the purpose of getting what I want out of an anime convention, which is more or less what I've been doing all along. Having a good time with friends, meeting some people, and basically being a fanboy. But if it turns into some stupid beer fest where I can't get any sleep because there's a bunch of strangers in the room completely drunk, then I'm going to seriously re-evaluate my plans from here on out.

Cons are fun, but unnecessary. I don't want to come home from this one feeling as I did after Otakon, you know?

Anyway, this is turning into a ramble (don't they all?). Don't let all the words fool you; I'm a happy guy right now who's almost trying to fill a space. All these things seem inconsequential, you know?

~Don

#233 - Apologies

Apologies to those three or four of you who come here expecting to read a blog every other day or so. I'm hoping to write one at some point Friday, which is today but still feels like tomorrow for me.

I also noticed that several entries are missing numbers, as I've apparently forgotten to include them in my title headers, so I'll have to go back and figure out where I left off. Otherwise, tomorrow will be a quiet day filled with things I like to do when I'm home alone. Open for things Friday night, but honestly? It's another one of those nights where you'll have to come to me if you want to do something.

I've done a lot of driving lately and I don't plan on doing any tomorrow since I'm doing more on Saturday with Nicky and probably Sunday with Ryan or whoever. Tomorrow is my little break day.

Next week may or may not include a trip to the Sidebar. Former Don assistant Andy has a band and they're playing there on Wednesday night. Andy gave me a demo tape tonight which I've yet to listen to, but I will tomorrow.

Hell, even if I hate the music, I'd like to go to support my friend.

Anyway, I'm tired. I've been catching up with a few people tonight and had a run-in with some drama that I've ended (at least on my end). Two entries on my part is enough; I've said pretty much all worth saying. It's funny though, as I sort of mentioned there, that if you actually write a logical response or put effort into it, people automatically assume that it bothers you.

I don't want to be the guy who sits around criticizing people anymore. I joke; that's my nature. That's it.

But yeah. Anyway, apologies go out to my number one blog fan, Justine. And everyone else. I should have a real entry up by tomorrow night. I'll spend the day with the phone turned off and an away message up and just kind of wash the rest of the week away for a few hours.

~Don

#232 - Requested

Once again, I feel tired and sore, and I did very little today. I also plan to do very little tomorrow, though I'm always open for visitors if they're willing to travel up here in some way. Otherwise I get the feeling I'll probably just relax here, save gas and money, and take it easy. I'm sure no one will bother coming up here anyway; that's the nature of a majority of my friends. Those that actually would come up here can't drive.

Anyway, tonight's blog is brought to you by Justine, who wanted me to air about the relationship. Obviously I'm still going to keep things in check, as I do not feel comfortable discussing every detail online.

Officially, Nicky and I have no first date anniversary, and I'd be hard-pressed to remember the exact date our lips first met, though I can say that the first time we really kissed was only a few days ago on New Year's Day ( At least, I'm almost positive? ) New Year's Day was a great day - we left Dave's party soon after the fun part of it decided to rejoin. Nicky is convinced that I would have had a better time if she had not been there, but I honestly don't think that was true. There was very little going on besides the usual drinking and the little naked party that went on for a while behind locked doors upstairs, leaving most of us downstairs just chatting. I was very lucky in a lot of instances there, because having Nicky to talk to kept it from being a complete loss. There were a bunch of other people that actually saved the night for me that night - Vince, Graham, Joe, Scott, Ethan, Jay, Jake, White Ryan, and even Ron...and a couple of others I probably forgot to mention, but otherwise I simply wasn't having that great of a time. Let's face it, like Joe, I had been up and working since early hours and was shorthanded at work, so I didn't get the opportunity to really relax for the entire day except for Nicky being late getting to the mall, but I didn't really relax then either.

I didn't know what was going on, and had no way to find out, so I sat in the parking lot awaiting her and devouring my nails for an hour or more wondering if she was going to show up or not.

But anyway, yeah. It could have been that I was tired, or that half of the party decided to lock themselves in another room, or a combination of other things, but I'm glad I left when I did. I was awake enough to make the drive home in the horrible weather and awake enough to lead Graham and Joe back to Westminster in my wake, and happy that I was going to get to spend some time with Nicky afterwards because her mother had basically told her not to come home until the next morning. She came home with me. It was an easy decision, because we were both very tired and knew sleep wasn't going to happen at Dave's.

We went to bed as soon as we got here, which was a little after 3 AM, but I had a feeling I wouldn't sleep much. I'm not accustomed to having someone else in the bed with me while I sleep, let alone someone who was falling asleep on me for a while before rolling over, and it didn't help that I had a bunch of caffeine and a slight bit of alcohol which resulted in me needing to urinate several times.

Sleep came in and out until later morning - I couldn't possibly have gotten more than 2 hours of sleep because of my nerves. However, I had nothing to do that day and I was there with my girlfriend, so I didn't feel the slightest bit frustrated. We ended up just lying in bed and talking until almost five'o'clock in the afternoon, and I can't place how nice it was into words.

We've spent plenty of time together since then, but I don't think it would be appropriate to talk too much more about what actually happens, so I'm shifting gears a little bit.

I feel wonderful. I think I touched on this the other day either here or on my Livejournal, but I can't think of a time in the past five or six years or so that I've been this optimistic or happy about life in general, and this is including the fact that I still only have a part-time job where I don't make much money, I have the previously mentioned discomforts 'down there' that I'm positive need to be checked out but I have no insurance with which to really do anything about it once I find out, and a bunch of other little things that have been going wrong, but...I'm happy.

I'm just happy. I look forward to seeing her every day, and I've noticed that I'm not really into weekends much lately because I know I'm not going to see her. We play off each other fairly well, and although it's still a bit awkward having her around my friends, everything else is just...lovely. I'm a pretty honest person by default, but I love the fact that I have someone to talk to about things each and every day who isn't going to judge me based on a poor or rash decision or something. She seems to be able to accept me for who I am, and I've learned to do the same with her.

I'm never bored with her. Even if we're just sitting somewhere doing nothing, she simply has so much energy that I have trouble keeping her from moving around and talking or poking my forehead or whatnot. And after all this time, I'm still very excited to see her, though some of the excitement may have worn off.

Still, it's a new enough experience that I really cannot get enough of it, and I can't really get enough of her.

Anyway, it's turning into a ramble so I'll let it go here. Sorry Justine, but I hope this will satiate you for now.

~Don

#231 - Welcome Back, Blogger.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back."

Christmas found my monitor smoking. I've been without the internet for nearly a week and a half now, and while I did not miss it terribly, I found myself feeling somewhat out-of-touch with friends that I use the internet to stay in touch with. Without Blogs and Livejournals to read, I actually felt like something was missing from my daily routine. I couldn't read random posts from anyone, or details and accounts of everyone's days, or anything. I felt behind.

But aren't we all behind on most of our friends anyway? Once you get out of school, it's difficult to not fall from that information circle that forms between those in groups -- you get to see the same people five days a week for a majority of the year, and so you are both blessed and cursed. You get to keep up-to-date with everyone's daily life because you'll see them at some point almost every day, but because you see them so often, drama between people tends to manifest more quickly.

When you're out of school though, you meet different groups of people. Typically these consist of workmates who become your new friends, but chances are you won't see them as much as those you saw in school, and because you see them at your place of work, you tend to associate work with them and vice versa. These friends may end up talking about work itself even when outside of work. They aren't the same as the friends you've made elsewhere that you suddenly see less of as time goes on.

Those friends lead different lives; they have new jobs and new loves and new hobbies and schedules. They're still your friends, but they're also not. Such is the nature of life and the way it moves -- things change slowly, but it will probably always feel like they've changed overnight. It's hard to assign logic or mathematics to this. Things just change.

Today I came into contact with a woman and her children that I have not seen in several years; one whose children I spent a great deal of time with over summers when my friend Gina used to live with her Aunt and Uncle in our neighborhood. Brittany was the precocious and somewhat irritating older daughter who was all of two feet tall but surprisingly intelligent and easy to talk to. Her younger sister Courtney was all of a few years old and shorter, and caused a great deal of trouble, and their younger brother Colin was in diapers. Today they came in with their mother while I was working, and it was like a bubble in time exploded.

Brittany was nearly as tall as I was and looked very much the young woman - Courtney was taller and spoke much more clearly, and Colin was dressed in quite gentlemanly attire and looked professional. He spoke with a politeness I've not seen in kids in a long time. Beyond that, there was a fourth child that I had never heard of.

For whatever reason, this left me quite taken aback. Seeing those kids all the time back in the day, and then suddenly not seeing them at all and then coming across them years later truly left me at a loss. Has that much time passed? How much has changed in my life since then? And why does it feel so wrong that those practical babies are now growing into adults?

At first I didn't really think I had changed much. But I have. Everyone has, and everyone does.

That's life.

Oh, and things with Nicky are going fine. For some reason I didn't feel compelled to write about her today. That's probably a good thing anyway; it's not right of me to air too much about our relationship anyway.

~Don