#264 - Stop Reading

I miss not being on the internet. Lately, a small part of me hopes that my cable modem will die so I don't become a further slave to the 'net. So many lives get fucked up on these things these days. I've watched and joined in using these journals as weapons, and I'm done with that. I say what I feel, and it's up to you all whether or not you want to read it or not.

Livejournal is just retarded. Via Vince's friend page, I was unfortunate enough to come across Dave's Livejournal Shrine to find that he was calling on his friends to make fun of someone based off a picture he posted from the guy's site. Besides the personal head shaking I'm doing already to see someone who was so anti-internet when his girlfriend went to AIM for companionship turning even further into the internet for his support...I'm more appalled to see that once again he is using Livejournal as a public outlet for a private matter.

And the fact of the matter is, he's not the only one. Thousands of people every day are using the internet to stab at people constantly and make themselves feel better about their place in the world. What is it about the internet that brings out the worst in people? It must be the anonymity. It would have to be. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person I know who just says what he feels when it comes up -- something that doesn't always work out for the best, but in the long run, it makes me feel better about publishing my feelings on the internet.

Frankly, if I have something to say and the opportunity is there? I just say it.

I couldn't help but intervene the last time this happened -- Pete had made a friends-only entry about his dissatisfaction with Dave. I didn't type anything that I didn't feel was true, and I didn't take sides. The only mantle I took up in that battle was that Dave should not have made it public and that he didn't have the right to say Pete was unqualified for the job simply because he complained on Livejournal -- something Dave does on a regular basis, and something he turned around to do on his own. The difference was that Pete's was private and not meant for Dave's eyes ( a silly thought on the internet, but that was his intent ), and that Dave brought it public to gain support from his 'readers.'

He said he was justified because he had to respond or something, but to whom was he responding to? There aren't that many people on Pete's buddy list who had access to that entry, and those that did said virtually nothing when Dave brought it public.

This entry isn't just about Dave, but it's an example. He's a good example, because he's exactly the kind of person I'm referring to that's all over the internet. It's almost funny to see these days - geeks used to be almost powerless, but on the internet, they rule. Those jocks that are beating their asses in the locker room are going to get it handed to them in the world of l33t and the world of us nerds sitting behind monitors typing things like "Learn how to spell before you post, you newbie."

I don't do that. I feel it important to note this before I continue. In fact, I'm very much against this sort of thing in forums. It's bad enough that we have to read everyone's thoughts on these things, but giving other people crap about it is just silly.

We live in a world with people ready for wars. I can't even get solace from all this hatred on the internet.

I guess what it boils down to is this: You don't have to answer to everything. This world would be a better place if more people would just back off, instead of always trying to get the last word, or trying to make themselves look better (like in the story of LJ that I didn't really tell about - with the guy being made fun of based on his photograph). Something spawned merely because the guy was making a joke (or so the comments led me to believe) about Dave's lifestyle.

Not that he should have made the jokes to begin with, either. But such simple things are always escalated. It's irritating.

At least when I didn't have the internet, all I had to worry about were people talking about my back, but even that's not important. Those that really give a fuck will still be there. Vince is a great example - I like Vince a lot. So even though I can barely hang out with him and he can't seem to make time for me, I try not to fuss too much. He's busy. We've had a lot of dumb shit go down, but I'm still friends with the guy, so I try to keep in touch when I can, even if it's silly banter.

It's tough, though. Even unemployed, I find my time being pulled in different directions all the time, and I just can't be the friend I used to be with people, it seems like. Ah well.

I know the comment feature is still up there, but this is an entry I'd prefer had no comments. In fact, seeing as this is just a place where I write whatever I'm feeling, there's a good chance the comment feature will be removed soon anyway. From here on out I think I'm going with my original plan of just typing whatever, so if you don't like it, don't read anymore. This isn't a place for discussion, and I certainly don't want the shit that I see on Livejournal happening on my blog.

I still wish I had never given this link out and kept it internet friends only. And there's still a good chance it will become so again in the future. I haven't decided yet. But I need to write when I feel like doing so, and I'm not playing around anymore. If anything, I may move all of this stuff to a disk and just start working from there.

But yeah. In fact, don't be surprised if I remove the comment feature sometime tonight or tomorrow. The one good thing about this blog is that hardly anyone reads it already though, so it's not like much of what I type here gets out unless someone else takes it and posts out of context pieces of it on Livejournal or something. I don't know anyone that would do that.

~Don

#263 - Domestication

I haven't felt like I've had much time to myself this week. I was starting to get into the rhythm of going out alongside checking papers in my job hunt, but then everyone went on vacation and I got stuck taking care of the zoo. We really do have a ton of animals in this house. Maybe not a ton, but enough that I don't really feel like I've had much time to relax.

It's kind of nice in some ways, and in others, kind of not. For one, it's made the week pass by fairly quickly, and I haven't had as much time of sitting still, uninterrupted, to do whatever. The result is that my back seems to be acting a bit better this week. But only a little. Beyond that, the week doesn't feel so boring and dragged out as some of my other days before had been, since I don't always get that much time between whatever I'm having to do to keep the house from falling and the animals from dying to really sit and stare at things too much.

On the negative side, due to the amount of time I'm having to spend here, I can't really do much on the job search besides check the paper. Things are starting to get to the desperation point with the money, though if I skipped buying gifts for Christmas I imagine I could survive until January (but I don't want to).

Anyway, it's been tough. Unlike the past two times I've found a job, this time around I don't seem to have a single lead or someone who knows a place who's hiring, and even if I did I'm not sure I'd want it. But I've decided (I think) that for now holding out to find something that isn't retail is not a viable option, so the door is a bit more open now. I'll just have to take whatever doesn't have me up ass early or working late at night.

It's starting to sap at me though -- I'm not used to feeling stressed out because of money; even working part-time at Record Town, I was good enough at my savings and financial work to stay afloat and always have a good time. But as I've mentioned before, having a girlfriend makes me want to do a bit more with my life, and although I haven't decided what it is I want to do, I like the fact that I'm actually starting to think about it.

I'm doing a lot of things better, and I don't feel like my future is so bleak anymore. Instead of sitting around in someone's shadow, I'm trying to cast my own, and it's not so bad.

It's not easy either, but it's not so bad.

In other news, nothing much exciting is going on. The DDR party was Sunday and it turned out well - I have to admit, it turned out better than I had expected. It was certainly more fun then the last party I went to (New Year's at Dave's), which was a bust save for the few people that didn't lock themselves up in a room - thankfully Graham, Joe, Ethan, Scott, and even Ron saved that night from being a total bust.

But then, friends make everything better. Real friends anyway, and not just those who are full of half-truths.

Today there were these two teenagers heckling people at Sheetz. I heckled them instead. It was nice to do that after watching them bother an old man and a few other people. The kid finally came up to me and asked me if I had any torque wrenches. I had leveled my eyes on these two the whole time, sort of daring them to approach me, and my expression didn't change as my eyes just drove straight through the kid and I uttered matter-of-factly: "Fuck off."

The look of sudden fear for pissing me off was worth the price of admission alone. He was actually frightened to the point where he slowly backed away from me about five feet before running into the counter, and I stared at him the entire time. Then out of nowhere he said "Hey man...sorry...it was just a joke..." and I thought for sure he had lost control of his bowels when he looked to his friend for help.

A minute later they had turned away, but kept looking over their shoulders at me, and Nicky had said "Be nice." I laughed. Perhaps it would be better to say that I bellowed, maybe, and then said "I was nice. I didn't jump him on the spot," and I saw that look of fear on him again.

I don't normally do such things, but for some reason these two little twits irritated me to the point that I felt necessary to play their game...or at least scare them. And that look of fear? I'll never forget that. I grow weary of teenagers and their trash talk, so I guess maybe it felt good to make one of them think twice about it.

I wouldn't have done anything, but I looked like I would, and that helped. Good times.

~Don