#281 - Alone

I just emailed Nicky. You few readers that are mostly me may recall Nicky as my first girlfriend ever, the first person I ever kissed, loved, made love to, all that sort of thing. I don't know what it is about breaking up with someone that always reminds me of her. I suspect it has something to do with the nature of the breakup and how hard I took it.

Is it possible that despite it being a common societal occurence that in some way it could have been considered traumatic?

I remarked something in the message that seems to pop up in my head alot, something to the effect of 'spending the last however many years chasing what we had for the first year we were together, and always ending up disappointed.'

So I'm left wondering after all this time -- is this the defining moment of my life? Is this one of those things that even on my deathbed, I'm going to stop and think "you know, if I had just handled that whole scenario better, how much better could my life have been?"

And if that is the case, how do I overcome it? How do I break the cycle of being the one left alone to cry, never understanding what I did or why I'm only likeable enough to be around for a bit before I'm just irritating or not interesting enough or whatever?

I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm tired of being alone. Am I really still recovering from the loss of a relationship that ended like six years ago? Seriously? Is that why I still compare everyone I date to her, or is it just because I don't have enough experience in the dating realm to really compare relationships to anything else.

Maybe I do need to do this more often.

#280 - Why Me

So the woman I've been seeing for two months is moving away.

I'm miserable. I really liked this one, I really wanted this to work. I really felt like I had met someone who could understand me and someone I could understand.

And the worst part is? So far I've been right, but she's probably going to move and I'm going to be stuck [i]alone[/i] [b]again[/b].

Frustrated. Toying with going with her or asking her to move in with me. Probably a bad idea.

Edit - Of course there's an ex boyfriend she left, of course they were together for nine years, and of course the odds of me getting her to stay are probably about zero. Ah well.