#256

Lots of stuff to talk about. Most of which I'm not putting here.

I haven't found a job yet. It's kind of sucky, I must admit, to be dealing with this again. I didn't get anywhere last time, and I can only imagine what will happen this time if something doesn't come up soon. However, I'm not giving up just yet. I do know of one place in town that is hiring, and since I have no immediate career goals (and nothing to really step towards one at the moment anyway), there's no point in me being terribly picky with what I do next. It only needs to provide insurance and pay bills while I work on other things, like making up my mind about what to do with my life and visiting another doctor for more information, and hopefully a more detailed examination.

Things are just weird though. That's really the only way I can describe it. I'm up and I'm down, and I feel horrible for Nicky, who has probably taken quite the emotional beating in the past week or so, but she's still there. She listens, she reassures...but I worry that I put too much on her. I worry that I worry her too much. I worry that I'm not prepared to own up to the promises that I make, because...well, I guess it's because deep down, I have no control over where my life is taking me, and it scares me to think about it now.

The same is true with death - whereas I never concerned myself with it before, I find myself really frightened these days. I get into fits where I become so preoccupied with fear that I have trouble sleeping, thinking that I'm not going to wake up.

It's almost as if I'm experiencing all the things I should have experienced growing up, but didn't. I guess that's what you get when you lock yourself away with video games for twenty years.

Has it really been twenty years? Yes, it really has.

Who knows what's going on, though. I'm still happy with Nicky, and I'm happy to be happy with that. It's just that everything else seems to be dragging it down.

I'll keep trying, and it'll pass. It has to pass.

~Don