#259 - Choose Your Own Adventure

"You've reached the end of your life. Return to page one and try again."

Lately, I've pretty much felt like I've experienced everything I had to live for. Before you all go off thinking I'm on some crazy suicidal tangent, I'm going to break the sentiment down in a bit more sense. However, just in case you're thinking it, you should really keep in mind that I'm not planning anything drastic or some nonsense like that. Not my style. I just feel things, and when I do, I sometimes write about them.

Anyway, I guess it should be expected. I know why I'm here. I was always an excellent student with above average grades, and when my junior and senior years of high school came about, the college flyers started flowing into my mailbox. My father had always said there was "a reason" they were showing up, because they not only saw my standardized testing scores but probably looked at the rest of my grades and attendance and such, but I was positive then (and still fairly positive now) that it was only because I checked a little box on either my PSAT or my SAT that allowed colleges to look at my scores or something.

Let's be honest before I continue, I only had a modest....1140, or 1160, or something like that. I suppose that's alright considering how little effort I've always put into my studies; in fact, I only studied once in school for a Chemistry midterm and I failed it horribly. That's when I decided the study route wasn't for me, since it didn't work once, but I suppose the key here is that I only really studied for that test one time.

I guess the word I'd be looking for is "cram," then. But that's just how I operate, I suppose. I had never really needed any of that nonsense before, so there was no point in starting it.

I'm sidetracked again. Anyway, when the time came to start dealing with college, I had no idea where to start. I knew that I could easily talk to the guidance counselor at school to get the ball rolling, but I had no idea what to go to school to study. To top it off, I probably could have used some parental support in the matter, but they had been too busy fighting with each other (their divorce would come in the months that followed my graduation) to really devote any attention to me, and even if they had, they probably wouldn't have had the money to send me to school. I know, grants and funds and loans and all that, but I didn't know what to do with any of that, and since I didn't know what to study, I saw no reason to go.

I became one of those who takes "a year off before going to college but never ends up going" people. I went straight into the workforce, but only because I had happened to know someone who worked somewhere that wanted me to work with them, so I ended up going there. That becomes a trend with the next job I take three years down the road, where an old friend from school is moving away to go to college and giving up her job.

See, I've never gotten a job off of just searching. They've always come to me.

Fast forward to now, at least to prevent myself from sidetracking, and I've finally stuck it to the man. Diana's nonsense had finally become too much to bear, and with Nicky in the picture I was feeling confident that this time would go easily; that I'd find something really quickly. And honestly, that's what I wanted, and that's what I still want. With Nicky, I feel like I really want to do something with my life. Not just because of her and for her, but because I know deep down, and I need to be satisfied on some level with myself to be able to keep her happy. I've felt it already - I haven't worked full-time in over a year, and I simply feel like a loser. There's no other way around it. And I want to change it, but I have no idea how. I have no skill when it comes to dealing with people and finding jobs, but once you get me in there I can learn most things quickly, and for the most part I am no trouble in the workplace besides the fact that I joke about stuff and I oversleep a few minutes here and there.

But it's almost as if I need the job to come to me, because I have no real direction and little work experience, and it needs to be somewhere that is willing to take me on and let me grow. That doesn't happen all that much anymore - you need degrees to do so much these days, and I have neither the time, money, or desire to go get one of those since I still have no idea what I'd want to study for the rest of my life. My quandary, in a nutshell, is this -- I don't want to live around a job. I like to be free to spend time at home and play games, and to have time for my girlfriend and for my friends, because for me, that's where my happiness lies. Life is short; I don't want to work it away, or spend all my life working and becoming rich only to find that I missed fun in the process. I want to work five days a week, for seven to nine hours a day, and I want it to be at a time I can function with. One where I can still stay up until at least eleven, or midnight, and I can still get a decent night's sleep before having to get up again. And I want to get off in time to be able to do things in the evening if I choose.

I don't know if these jobs exist around here, and I don't know that they'd hire me even if they did. Instead, I have parents telling me to work twelve hour days for what I made at Record Town at the hospital. "You get four days off," they say, but having spent a year having that many days off, I can honestly tell you that it sucks after awhile, and that I'd much prefer the comfort of working a normal day and doing something in the evening to sitting somewhere for twelve or thirteen hours. I've done those, and I hated every second of them.

Honestly, I simply feel like I've reached the biggest wall in my lifetime. I guess I had always assumed I'd be single, and having changed that, maybe I feel like I've done the one thing in this world that I've wanted for as long as my hormones have been in gear. I feel that connection to someone for the first time in ages; something that I don't even think I have with my family and haven't had in years, and I want to enjoy it. But I can't, because I'm financially instable, and I'm sure this will weigh heavier and heavier with the girlfriend's family as time passes, and that's only going to make things worse on her end. I'd like to think that we could be together someday, but I'm simply not ready for that yet, at least on paper.

And I'm stuck. So I'm back to checking papers and listening to people talk and hoping I stumble onto something that I'll probably hate within a year. I guess what I really need to do is just study something, maybe technical. Who knows. But it's really started to get to me lately. The money continues to drain, and soon I'll be back at square one with an almost empty bank account.

I'm still going to Otakon, which is probably not smart, but it's the closest thing to a vacation I ever take. And I could probably go on, but this is too long already and my wrists are starting to hurt.

~Don